Nemo

Aspiring writer| That guy in white shirt| Eveready for a beer| Pizza and spaghetti with meatballs fan|

[Nemo @4bhishek]

Don’t look at me weird, when I am serious. Cause thats when I am in “when will my pizza arrive” mode which I don’t think you will ever understand!

[Certified Kameena @shubhansh1504]

Guy1 - congrats sikandar !

Guy2 - how do u know my name?

Guy1 - u've won a basket of green vegetables !

Guy2 - kya matlab ?

Guy1 - wo sikandar hi dosto , kehlata hai , hari bhaaji ko jeetna jise ata h

[the hype @TheHyyyype]

how to make a poached egg:

1. take an egg

2. [indescribable sorcery]

3. you have a poached egg

[Avinash Iyer @IyerAvin]

Desi parents be like: Alexa, aage ka kya socha hai?

[InGenious 2.0 @Bees_Kut]

*Ambani starts Laxmi Pujan*

Laxmi ji:

[Kana @Kanatunga]

This is called

Dude ka Dude aur Pony ka Pony

[My Drunk Story @TheDrunkStory]

When you ask for a MacBook Air for your birthday 😑

[Quilliam @nyquills]

God: first off, you’re super smart.

Parrot: sweet so I’m like a bird of prey right?

God: not exactly, but you can talk!

Parrot: nice nice, so I'm King of all Birds, and answer to no one?

God:

Parrot: hey what's this cage for?

[Lauren Mullen @DraggingFeeties]

Mom: Keep an eye on the food on the grill while I run inside real quick?

Me: What do I have to do?

Mom: Nothing.

Me: Consider me highly qualified.

[your bff alex @psybermonkey]

Date: I like your shirt

Me: thanks, I like the shape of your skull

[Helleanor Rigby @Mom_Overboard]

[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS

[This too shall pass @coolname77]

I have a huge problem deciphering the difference between hunger and pure boredom

[Schmrrrlex @alexlumaga]

Scientist: This test can determine whether a person is a psychopath

*hands me a plain rice cake*

Me: *slowly eats the entire rice cake, expressionless and unblinking*

Scientist: Yup, total fuckin psycho

[dire wolf @ADDiane]

The finely honed skill of pretending to be ok.

[Stranger @Voidead]

Dear music, I suspect she still thinks of me.

[jo @whatsJo]

[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]

bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.

[Ash (an female) ⚪️ @adult_mom]

And on the 7th day God rested, but the children did not rest. So on Monday God made school and He sent the kids and all the people rejoiced.

[Jedi Cheesy Grits @JediGigi]

Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can't see you anymore. I won't let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.