Andie.

Everything you have seen here has been an illusion

[Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien]

Listen, if you don't want to know how to cleanly dismember a body, then don't ask what I'd do for a Klondike bar.

[Michelle Obama @MichelleObama]

Yes, Zaila! We are so, so proud of you! 👏🏾

[tate @50FirstTates]

them: i never got ur email

me [completely forgot to send]: that’s weird i’ll resend it

[James Roday Rodriguez 🍮 @JamesRoday]

10.

[Steve vs. Ninjas @stevevsninjas]

in your moment of greatest peril, every animal you ever swerved to avoid appears to fight on your behalf

[James Roday Rodriguez 🍮 @JamesRoday]

A simple pleasure is watching your dog make a solid, easy to scoop doody. Nice crisp work, pal.

[Peter Milobar @PeterMilobar]

Devastating news. Thoughts and prayers to his family and firefighting collegues. @KamFire

[tate @50FirstTates]

them: teachers are turning our kids into communists

[reality]

student: wait when was the war of 1812

teacher: bryce i swear to god

[Andie. @7dwrves]

For all the visual learners

The Racial Dynamics Between American Women Are Flipped in a Disorienting Photo Series https://t.co/TzrPsKDZze via @Pocket

[Andie. @7dwrves]

Had a dream that Aubrey Plaza died and at first I was heartbroken but immediately raised the question “but who look after her goats?!”

[Fareed Zakaria @FareedZakaria]

Goodbye Ma, I love you.

[tate @50FirstTates]

me: *reading a paragraph*

brain: nope

me: *reading it again* brain

brain: lmao

me: BRAIN

brain: i simply refuse to process this

[helena riley @freshhel]

Goldilocks was crazy I love her..imagine breaking into someones house and being like. Umm this chair fucking sucks

[octopus/caveman @octopuscaveman]

Birth certificates aren’t necessary. Just tell me you were born and I’ll probably believe you.

[Leggy Pain 🇨🇦🏳️‍🌈🇵🇸 🇺🇦 @coffeeandvinyl1]

We didn't have play dates when I was a kid. Our parents kicked us out until the streetlights came on and the weakest among us ended up on Unsolved Mysterious like mother nature intended.