Diane Middleton

It's Ironic, Isn't It? The person who made you the happiest before, is the reason you're so depressed.

[Diane Middleton @96Atayan]

Fat guy : What are you looking at? Me: The reason double doors were invented.

[Gail Tejeda @pitirimm2]

Money can't buy you happiness, but I'd rather cry in a mansion.

[Diane Middleton @96Atayan]

Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas.

[Carolyn Laflamme @Namuna82]

"Quick operator send an S.O.S!" Operator : "How do you spell that?"

[Diane Middleton @96Atayan]

Patient: The problem is that obesity runs in our family. Doctor: No, the problem is that no one runs in your family.

[Diane Middleton @96Atayan]

THE BEST KINDS OF LAUGHTER: 1. Laughing so hard that your laugh becomes silent. 2. Feeling a 6 pack coming. 3. Tears coming out of ur eyes.

[Staci Frederick @bulkovamilosla1]

Sometimes being single is just a vacation from all the bullshit.

[Laura Andrus @maksimiansoloz1]

If you're a small guy in prison, I bet the worst cellmate you could get would be a big angry ventriloquist who misses his dummy.

[Diane Middleton @96Atayan]

Missed calls: Dad-0 Sister-1 Brother-3 Mom-42.

[Diane Middleton @96Atayan]

Hoes make niggas (cum) , bad bitches make niggas (come out they pockets) & a REAL WOMAN makes a nigga come HOME

[Sandra Kim @rubizhevskiy]

RETWEET and see what happens!

[Diane Middleton @96Atayan]

If I would have been paid for being lazy, I'd have been a billionaire

[Diane Middleton @96Atayan]

Gin is my favorite drink that makes me sleep with people I hate.

[Kathleen Haugland @khodnenko98]

"I wasn't that drunk..." "Dude, you picked up a little mexican girl and screamed, "DORA! I NEED YOUR MAP TO GET HOME"

[Margie Ward @endalova1978]

Voldermort: "So all I have to do is lie?" Pinocchio: "Yup."

[Diane Middleton @96Atayan]

POLICE OFFICER: "How high are you?" ME: "No officer. It's 'Hi, how are you?'"

[Diane Middleton @96Atayan]

Best time to give advice to children is while they're young enough to believe you know what you're talking about.

[Diane Middleton @96Atayan]

Shit happens , just flush the toilet and move on.

[Betty Andrus @BevfimiyOo]

"Omg! You have grown so much! I remember you when you were just a baby!" "Who are you?.