Adam

[ADHDean @ADHDeanASL]

Before saying something, ask yourself:

1. Is it kind
2. Is it true?
3. Will it summon the elder gods to bring slaughter and destruction to this insignificant speck of a world?
4. Is it necessary?

[big boy online @idonotbleed]

me: I’m excited for our ghost hunt

friend: that’s the spirit

me [narrowing eyes]: fucking where

[Helleanor Rigby @Mom_Overboard]

The media really missed the opportunity for the headline: FISHERMAN SWALLOWED BY WHALE, NEARLY KRILLED

[rogue scone @fckboyseatpizza]

Mobster: *melts butter*

Lobster: please…I’m begging you…I’ll tell you anything!

[rogue scone @fckboyseatpizza]

Lobster: East coast swimming, on the sea floor
Mobster: East Coast skimming, at Jersey Shore

[rogue scone @fckboyseatpizza]

Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes

Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony

[Ghostface Kryllah @kryzazzy]

When you’re in a hurry but your Uber is going really slow

[Trouble @troubleinheels1]

I had Pfizer. I Pfeel Pfine. No side ePfPfects.

[Destry @DestryBrod]

[ First day as a mechanic ]

Me (opening the hood): where are all the horsies?

[FᎪᎢ ᏩᎪNᎠᎪᏞF @sofarrsogud]

WIFE: [Watching Breaking Bad] So Walter dyes the meth blue as his brand?

ME: Yeah, he's a drug tealer.

HER: Get out.

[Adam @adamgreattweet]

this isn’t a game

[jeremy zucker @jeremyzucker]

WHAT THE FUCK @spotify

[NicholasG @Dad_At_Law]

Me: *pretends to hurt myself to show danger* Ouch! See?

Toddler: *laughs maniacally* Do it again!

*repeat indefinitely*

[Adam @AdamDAaron]

@perlhack