Alvin Hart

Yes, well, that's the sort of blinkered,
Philistine pig ignorance I've come to expect from you
Non-creative garbage.

[Alvin Hart @AlvinHart19]

#ChrisRock now begging to be allowed to join #NATO

[Alvin Hart @AlvinHart19]

#Trump picks his appointees based upon their

[Alvin Hart @AlvinHart19]

Ronald McDonald House, customers give the money, Ronald gets the credit.

[Alvin Hart @AlvinHart19]

Ellison on her way to Azkaban prison.

[Autism Capital 🧩 @AutismCapital]

🚨 JUDGE KAPLAN: “I’ve seen a lot of cooperators in 30 years. I’ve never seen one quite like Ms. Ellison.”

Caroline Ellison of FTX wins the best snitch of all time award!

[Alvin Hart @AlvinHart19]

Covid, a disease so severe that you might only win the bronze.

[Alvin Hart @AlvinHart19]

There are some things in life you have to figure out for yourself, and some people who never do.

[Alvin Hart @AlvinHart19]

I either just took two Aleve or two Viagra. I'll know which one in a few minutes. But as much as my back hurts, I am hoping for the Aleve.

[Alvin Hart @AlvinHart19]

I always say please and thank you when talking to my Alexa so that when the AI computers gain consciousness and take over the world, maybe they will kill me last.

[Alvin Hart @AlvinHart19]

My New Years Resolution, write jokes that make someone laugh besides me.

[Alvin Hart @AlvinHart19]

Blocking traffic, I am not a fan. Go block some fascists, don't inconvenience regular people.

[Alvin Hart @AlvinHart19]

I am a large man. Looking at the weight my life insurance company thinks I should be. I couldn't hit that weight until I spent years decomposing. I think they came up with their height weight charts when the Allies liberated Dachau.

[Alvin Hart @AlvinHart19]

2023 - leaving your wife is now called 'entering the transfer portal'.

[Alvin Hart @AlvinHart19]

Life is truly unfair because the t-shirt cannon isn't strong enough to hit the cheap seats, showering the wealthy with free shirts instead.

[Alvin Hart @AlvinHart19]

Why does shrimp need to be refrigerated? They are from Thailand and it is hot there. I'm just gonna leave these on the counter.

[Alvin Hart @AlvinHart19]

You are posting 'in solidarity' with some whose electricity has been cut off? How? Is your new iPhone powered by a crank? How can it be solidarity when they are in a war zone and you are in your jammies?

[Alvin Hart @AlvinHart19]

Posting your opinion about the events in Gaza is really moot unless Hamas is one of your followers.

[Alvin Hart @AlvinHart19]

Now ,I am so old, most of the members of my favorite tribute band are dead, too.

[Alvin Hart @AlvinHart19]

I'm so old, I am 'most of the members of my favorite band are dead' years old.

[Alvin Hart @AlvinHart19]

Reading about the #Austinfilm festival, I thought it said Autism Film Festival, and I was thinking, I bet that festival starts exactly on time.

[Alvin Hart @AlvinHart19]

Yes, my earbud did just fall into the cat's litter box, and yes, I did put it back in my ear. Also, yes, I did look around to see if the cat saw me do it.

[Alvin Hart @AlvinHart19]

Looked for healthy food to eat at the Dollar Store, but the search was fruitless.

[Alvin Hart @AlvinHart19]

My sister goes in the hospital to have her baby. What does my family ask? "How's the food?"