Amanda Against Abuse

Wife, mummy, closet sensitive and eternal optimist, Autistic, Domestic Abuse Survivor. Views are my own

[Amanda Against Abuse @AmandaAgainstDA]

My crime: not promoting contact with my abuser.

My abusers crime:
#Childassault, s3xual assault, r4pe, #domesticabuse, #emotionalabuse, #coercivecontrol, #financialabuse, #medicalneglect, #perjury, #gaslighting, #litigationabuse and #animalabuse to name a few.

The current situation: children removed from me and placed with the abuser.

#familycourt #cafcass #corrupt #corruption #bias #notfitforpurpose #shamingvictims #blamingvictims #enablingabuse

[Amanda Against Abuse @AmandaAgainstDA]

I don't expect my ex to know everything.

I certainly don't.

But I do expect him to know the basics - especially when he's been repeatedly presented as the "better" parent.

Does he know that constant moves destabilise children?

That hours spent commuting aren't in their best interests?

That animals repeatedly breeding, suffering, and dying through neglect can be traumatic for children?

That regularly struggling to feed them isn't what "putting children first" looks like?

That telling children one minute their mother is safe, then unsafe, then safe again is harmful in itself?

Apparently none of that matters.

Because in family court, stability is negotiable. Safety is subjective. Reality is inconvenient.

The parent who says, "Please protect these children" is treated as the problem.

The parent who says, "Yes, Judge. Whatever you say, Judge," is treated as cooperative.

I've spent two years trying to understand that contradiction.

Two years later, the children have moved 11 times.

Home has been a house, a hotel, someone else's sofa, and most often a caravan with fewer bedrooms than people.

Food is sometimes available. Sometimes not.

There are sometimes baby bunnies. Sometimes kittens. Then there aren't.

Yet somehow this is considered stability.

Family courts often tell us children's welfare is paramount.

If that's true, what exactly is the threshold?

How much instability does a child have to live through before it matters?

How much chaos is acceptable, provided the parent experiencing it doesn't challenge the court?

No contact brings a certain peace because I no longer have to witness every detail in real time.

But peace and safety aren't the same thing.

The harm doesn't stop just because I can no longer see it happening in real time.

And every time I hear about another move, another struggle, another crisis, I'm left wondering:

Was I really punished for being wrong?

Or for refusing to pretend everything was fine?

[Shadows of Control @shadows_control]

Real love isn’t conditional or calculated. What feels like kindness can be bait in an abusive cycle.
#EmotionalAbuse #GaslightingAwareness

[Jade Blue @jadeblueLDN]

A rape case was dropped 13 days before trial.

Years later, an independent review found it should have gone ahead.

But by then, it was too late.

Here's why that matters.

A woman reported a rape.

Three and a half years later, she was preparing for trial.

Then the CPS dropped the case.

The reason? A sexsomnia defence.

The case would never be heard by a jury.

Most people thought that was the end.

It wasn't.

She requested a Victim's Right to Review.

An independent Chief Crown Prosecutor reviewed the decision.

The conclusion was extraordinary.

The case should never have been dropped.

In fact, the review found it was more likely than not that a jury would have convicted.

But there was a devastating problem.

The CPS had already offered no evidence in court.

Double jeopardy meant the case could never be reopened.

The decision was found to be wrong.

The outcome could not be changed.

So she sued the CPS.

The CPS apologised.

They paid damages.

They changed policy.

And today, there is a pilot scheme that gives victims an option for a review before rape cases are dropped.

That woman was me.

My case can't be put back before a jury.

But others shouldn't have to hear that a case should have gone to trial only after it's too late to do anything about it.

That's why I'm campaigning for victims to have a review before cases are dropped.

And for the current pilot to become permanent.

Not after.

When it's too late.

#RightToBeReviewed #VictimsRights #JusticeMatters

[Amanda Against Abuse @AmandaAgainstDA]

There is a never ending cycle of harm when your abusive ex is the father of your children.

They have moved twice since I last had an update. That’s 11 times in less than 2 years.

They have kittens now. Anyone remover the bunnies?

His “business” is not a full time income. As in he doesn’t make enough to feed the children.

And yet, his need for control means they are kept in poverty so bad, they aren’t eating properly.

They are less than 5 minutes from me. And yet, with how our systems operate there is nothing I can do. I have been to court. I have contacted social services. I have reached out to school. I have so much evidence, current evidence, that it is too heavy for me to pick it up, but it doesn’t matter.

It’s scary to watch this play out. A week ago, I was healing and hoping for my future. Now I’m broken again.

They deserve better, and at this point even if it’s not with me - anything away from him would be better.

[Amanda Against Abuse @AmandaAgainstDA]

It seems the abusive ex enjoys repeating the past. I say this because he is right back where he was a year ago.

50 minutes form their school - but keeping them there until the end of the school year.

This time last year I insisted they move schools as that kind of commute wasn't fair to them.

I was chastised for not having their wants in mind - they wanted to stay at that school.
Now? He is moving them.

At the worst possible time as well. In the middle of SEND plans, and right before secondary starts - and amazingly he has managed to choose a worse secondary school. Why? Because its one I didn't suggest. The brilliant one near me (where he is once again) is of course not an option.

Never mind our child will be going into secondary not knowing a soul - after 11 moves, being homeless for over a year and once again back in a caravan.
My beautiful home is not an option - until the ex needs baby sitting for summer.

The update was the forewarning of whats to come. Except his last email to me was that I needed to go supervised at a contact centre, again... because I rebooked a flu vaccination. He will of course forget that when he has no other option over summer.

If my babies came home to me - my heart would start to heal. But this game their father plays isn't something I will take part in any longer.

The only thing this update did was make me feel genuinely sorry for my children.

This is post separation abuse.
This is coercive control.
This is weaponising the children.

[Amanda Against Abuse @AmandaAgainstDA]

I had a full blown panic attack during a hearing. I couldn’t breathe.
I was shaking.
I was hyperventilating.
I was sweating.
I was dizzy.
I couldn’t hear.

The judge actually “paused” proceedings, but I had to stay in the room while everyone waited for me to come out of it.

My barrister turned around, gave me water and tissues and told me to just breathe.

That experience almost destroyed me. I could and did survive the abuse. I almost didn’t survive that attack, from people meant to safeguard and protect me and my children.

[RAINA Advocacy @Rainaadvocacy]

Not every fight for a child comes from a place of care. Sometimes it comes from a need to stay in control, even after the damage is already done. And when that isn’t recognised, the harm doesn’t stop. It just continues in a different way and the system allows it.

#familycourt

[Workplace Mental Health Resources @Stopworkplacebu]

Trauma isn't just about what happened. It's also about what didn't happen, like not being heard, supported, comforted, protected, or believed.

[Shadows of Control @shadows_control]

For anyone still in the shadows... you don't need to stay in the darkness. No one should steal your light, ever!

[Amanda Against Abuse @AmandaAgainstDA]

@shadows_control It has been years.

For many, just because the relationship ended, doesn’t mean the abuse did.

Imagine living with constant harm for years?!

[Ali Zeck @AliBeckZeck]

People love to say survivors throw around the word “narcissist” too much, but most survivors are not trying to make a clinical diagnosis.

They are trying to name repeated patterns of harmful behavior they experienced and had no language for.

As they heal, they begin to recognize patterns like:

Love bombing and fast intensity.
Mirroring.
Isolation.
Gaslighting.
Blame-shifting.
Image management.
A Jekyll and Hyde personality.
Lack of accountability.
Lack of remorse.
Lack of repair.
Reality distortion.

Most survivors are not saying,
“This person has a diagnosis.”

They are saying,
“I have lived through this pattern enough times to know what it looks like.

And naming the pattern is often where healing begins.

[RAINA Advocacy @Rainaadvocacy]

#familycourt #domesticabuse #protectiveparent #childprotection #trauma #justice

[RAINA Advocacy @Rainaadvocacy]

Watch. THIS. SPACE.