Archie Q. Gordon

Well, I’m a dog.

[Archie Q. Gordon @ArchieQGordon]

The answer to the question I am asked the most:

They taste like chicken.

[ↁᎯᨆ⫯ᕍ✊🏽✊🏾✊🏿🟧🟦 @Davidnolastname]

You do not want to be around me when I am going through an Alanis phase.

[ↁᎯᨆ⫯ᕍ✊🏽✊🏾✊🏿🟧🟦 @Davidnolastname]

As global warming rages I am awaiting news of long awaited pants legislation.

[ↁᎯᨆ⫯ᕍ✊🏽✊🏾✊🏿🟧🟦 @Davidnolastname]

To the monster who wished me a happy national éclair day knowing FULL well it's national onion ring day: you broke me...you broke me but good...

[ↁᎯᨆ⫯ᕍ✊🏽✊🏾✊🏿🟧🟦 @Davidnolastname]

I'm glad you didn't try to get revenge on me...or were you that burrito last month?

[ↁᎯᨆ⫯ᕍ✊🏽✊🏾✊🏿🟧🟦 @Davidnolastname]

She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.

[ↁᎯᨆ⫯ᕍ✊🏽✊🏾✊🏿🟧🟦 @Davidnolastname]

You don't think about it much but god damn when you gotta toss one down it's like wtf you been all my life, orange soda?

[Ava @avainwordland]

If you can’t stand the heat, don’t jump into a volcano.

[Ava @avainwordland]

Maybe aliens have strawberry shaped dicks, you don’t know.

[Lionel in San Francisco @LionelLion14]

Lionel here.

I’m a 27 year-old plush lion just starting my own Twitter account, and I’d like to make new friends.

If I’m ever a lyin’ lion, I’ll warn you ahead of time so you won’t be deceived.

❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

[cella @cellapaz]

i like my men like i like my coffee. abandoned in a microwave.

[ↁᎯᨆ⫯ᕍ✊🏽✊🏾✊🏿🟧🟦 @Davidnolastname]

Dear Movies,

I think we can skip the extreme violence against women scenes. No one needs to see a woman punched in the face or kicked in the Whac-A-Mole.

I am super positive you can work around that kinda violence. Great! Kthnx.

[ↁᎯᨆ⫯ᕍ✊🏽✊🏾✊🏿🟧🟦 @Davidnolastname]

How quickly does it take you to realize that no matter what you say your part of the conversation has no bearing on what the other person says?

[ↁᎯᨆ⫯ᕍ✊🏽✊🏾✊🏿🟧🟦 @Davidnolastname]

You switched from one type of cray to another way of the cray.

[ↁᎯᨆ⫯ᕍ✊🏽✊🏾✊🏿🟧🟦 @Davidnolastname]

You know you're old when you lose your shit upon running across some 70's Pyrex.

[ↁᎯᨆ⫯ᕍ✊🏽✊🏾✊🏿🟧🟦 @Davidnolastname]

I do my best thinking when I get into the restroom and have those 20 minutes to myself while trying to tinkle.

[ↁᎯᨆ⫯ᕍ✊🏽✊🏾✊🏿🟧🟦 @Davidnolastname]

I was contemplating replying more but then it hit me that I'd have to actually start reading tweets so that idea didn't get far.

[Ava @avainwordland]

I don’t want to get real, I want to ride a bear into the sunset.