Jane, actually

Wake me up when the mothership arrives.

[Jane, actually @MaidOfBeans]

Women aren't that complicated, all we need is a really good murder show and a comfortable bra.

[Annie Hatfield @AnneHatfieldVO]

How many gray sedans in a parking lot is too many? Should I go to a different Walgreens?

[ES @ESXIII]

A lot of tenors look like they’re watching a T-Rex eat a kitten while they’re singing, but not ol’ Pavarotti. He looked like he was trying to remember where he parked his car.

[krista @kristabellerina]

Had dinner with a bunch of moms and learned a lot about myself, like I learned I can tolerate dinner with a bunch of moms when there’s a lot of alcohol involved.

[LaLaLyds @LaLa_Lyds]

Easily distracted by meatballs

[Bö Jänke: Hönkÿ @Bob_Janke]

I'm starting an OnlyFans but it's just me eating Aldi brand Tostitos and salsa while I'm watching Paranormal Caught on Camera

[Stu, For Real @StuForReal]

Held off until after eleven to crack a beer it's called maturity

[DPW @pondermymaker]

In a shocking upset, I’m picking Antarctica in WWIII.

[floorboard @StruggleDisplay]

My rescue dog is too slow to catch critters IRL bc of past trauma but when those lil paws start twitchin as she dreams…Man, I hope she runs like the wind.

[Stu, For Real @StuForReal]

Woke up splintered into being again

[Amber @Acesandraise]

A perk about getting older is that I have to worry less about getting kidnapped or murdered.

[That One Hateful B- @mommywhitfield]

Sixteen year old me would be devastated to know how excited I am about this bean soup I'm making.

[Burning Mom ⚡️ @MomOnFire]

If you need me, call me. Also, do not need me under any circumstances.

[Ghostface Kryllah @kryzazzy]

Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable

[Marcmywords @Marcmywords2]

I’ll try killing them with kindness at first, but then I’m moving on to Plan B.

[Stu, For Real @StuForReal]

Okay brain you can stop braining now

[Avogadro’s House of Moles @schumoo]

One of these days those accordion lessons are going to pay off and you'll be sorry you made fun of my buckled shoes.

[No BS Therapist @TweetATherapist]

Stop misusing the term “narcissist.” Some people are just regular assholes