Tom

Actor. Don't ruin a good story with the truth.
If at first you don't succeed, try a different tactic.

[Tom @AstburyTom]

If you say "strong and stable" three times into a mirror then Theresa May will appear and close your local A&E

[subscribe to the state of the league patreon @JoestarJokic]

this and a small town where somethings not right

[Nick Offerman @Nick_Offerman]

Ron was best man at a gay wedding you dumb fuck. #HappyPride

[Jim Cornelius @Jim_Cornelius]

Slug and Lettuce obviously.

[THE lusty argonian maid @lindawg]

actually i think the elephant really ties the room together

[ꜱɪʀ ꜰʀᴇᴅ ʙᴏʏᴄᴏᴛᴛ @FredBoycott]

I've signed an executive order...

[No Context Brits @NoContextBrits]

What the takeaway driver sees after turning up at my address.

[tanya @Tanya_Sabrinaaa]

i actually read the Odyssey in the original greek. complete waste of time, i have no idea what those symbols mean

[Doctor Who Merchandise @WhoMerchandise]

@DannyParkinson @graceyldn The “No Parkin” sign at the Yorkshire border is great too…

[Benny Feldman @Feldfrog]

For sale: ship of theseus
Condition: used, like new

[naturgeschichtliche @la_leere]

its unfortunate that nobody's ever figured out what to do when life gives you lemons

[Adam Grant @AdamMGrant]

This never gets old

[steph panecasio ✨ @StephPanecasio]

probably Theseus, but it’s changed over time

[Tom @AstburyTom]

I used to have Object Permanence but I lost sight of it

[Tom @AstburyTom]

They've blurred them out but that technique could only be Nick Frost or Simon Pegg

[Tom @AstburyTom]

Doing a self tape with a monologue of a combat medic discussing their relationship with death: had to do another take because the neighbour was singing to her chickens in the background, which didn't quite match the vibe

[george @_gapc]

what if your phone dies in the process of waiting for 5 cancelled trains for 4 hours

[7/11 Truther @DaveMcNamee3000]

This is how it feels to be drunk in an Uber

[michaela okland @MichaelaOkla]

If I were Susan Boyle I would’ve been pissed like why tf do you all look so shocked. Close your mouths

[hil @plume__]

i have a confession. quite a bit of the time someone sends me an emoji it shows up as the question mark in a box and i don’t ask for further clarification. i just imagine the emoji of my dreams