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[spacebar @brilliantwit]

@jazmasta please stop talking about what happened during our nuptials this is quite embarrassing

[spacebar @brilliantwit]

@meatballwizard this is so confusing M. Please don't take down your glorious selfies

[spacebar @brilliantwit]

@Jade_VK block me too I've run out of ideas and I'm just sitting here @ruinedpicnic @madeleinedoux

[spacebar @brilliantwit]

@AnemoneOh in full agreement @madeleinedoux

[Trey @treydayway]

*looks at the other black guy in Whole Foods*

There can only be one, nigga

*takes out sword*

[spacebar @brilliantwit]

@meatballwizard haha yesss keith you brought this on yourself @ghostkrogh

[hannah @TribalSpaceCat]

WIFE: Im pregnant
HUSBAND ALREADY WEARING CARGO SHORTS AND EMBARRASSING TIES: I certainly didn't see this coming

[ceej @ceejoyner]

Cosmo, page 186: 5 Signs You're Dating Too Much
3. You are floating in a dark lake with only your head exposed whispering DAAATES

[Thynebear @Thynebear]

u guys into black heroine?
"don't u mean black tar heroine?"
*sighs*yeah, thats what i meant
[slips harriet tubman biography into fannypack]

[spacebar @brilliantwit]

@brilliantwit if you don't agree with me on this you're racist

[spacebar @brilliantwit]

Pretty upset you can't have a legacy contact on Twitter like Facebook what if I died and all my followers were so depressed

[spacebar @brilliantwit]

Propose to your girlfriend at a wedding reception. Watch their eyes brim with rage as you steal the newlyweds' thunder. Fire with fire, yo.

[spacebar @brilliantwit]

why didn't this tweet go further who else thinks of leeches ok maybe im the only gross one here

[BAKOON @BAKKOOONN]

STOP HAVING CHILDREN PLEASE

[esteban @lawbsterfest]

me: brain, where are my keys

brain: i have no fuckn idea but here's a loop of the cosby theme song while you look for those motherfuckers

[spacebar @brilliantwit]

@meatballwizard heyyyyy

[spacebar @brilliantwit]

@BrillianTwit I would do this with any sentient being