Brimm Foster

[Enrique Shockwave @UNDEADTRESOR]

If you see a woman crying ask if it's about her weight. They love that.

[chelsea anét @chelseaanet]

Going to stick counterfeit Anthropologie tags on some shitty kids crafts and give them out as presents this year.

[Brimm Foster @BrimmFoster]

@SearsCA violated me last night. Still feeling sore... avoid.

[April Macie @aprilmacie]

My dog doesn't shit where he eats, but he does eat his own shit.

[Natasha Leggero @natashaleggero]

No poet ever went to the gym.

[Daniel Carrillo @DanielRCarrillo]

Life is a marathon. You hate it almost instantly. Then at the end, your body betrays you and you shit yourself in front of a bunch of people

[Ted Travelstead @trumpetcake]

MISSED CONNECTION:

Me, off my meds
You, a bitchy scarecrow berating me about my lifestyle choices

[Jim Gaffigan @JimGaffigan]

It’s interesting how eating ice cream can make a child look so happy and make an adult look so pathetic.

[Nikki Glaser @NikkiGlaser]

LA.

[Jimmy Pardo @jimmypardo]

I have never been to prison, but I bet it's not worse than my earbuds getting caught on something and being accidentally yanked from my ears

[Alexandra Daddario @AADaddario]

@TheRock @pattonoswalt true detective season 2:

[nick griffin @thenickgriffin]

Be the change you want to see in the world. So I am sleeping in and demanding less of myself.

[Paul Mecurio @PaulMecurio]

Sometimes I catch my cats looking at me in a way that makes me feel like I might wake up the following morning with missing thumbs....

[Brimm Foster @BrimmFoster]

@toddbarry doing it right! "The Crowd Work Tour", $5 without ass chafing #DRM. Getting now from http://t.co/3EdXD1b0Hv

[chelsea anét @chelseaanet]

Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I'm in the bathroom.

[Dave Sirus @DaveSirus]

It doesn't count through a bathroom wall right? #FredPhelpsLastWords

[Jay Busbee @jaybusbee]

Salute, slick-hair bro at McDonald's demanding "fresh" pancakes and Styrofoam, not plastic Coke cup. That's douchiness of Heisenburg purity.

[Brimm Foster @BrimmFoster]

Never liked Denny's, Phil's, etc... but I must say Calgary's only @IHOP was fan-freakin' tastic! #Calgary

[Susan Cain @susancain]

Oh, @TheOnion, this is truly funny:
Report: Only 20 Minutes Until Introverted Man Gets To Leave Party ➤ http://t.co/FCGTfrAM1f