CDC (Centers for Disease Control and PARODY)

CDC's official Twitter source for daily INcredible health & safety updates. PARODY. But the real joke is our pandemic response.

[Pessimistic Persimmon @Kenneth33071904]

CDC: Message To Americans

Please be patient. We are processing all information about the outbreak as it comes in.

You can rely on us. As always, we will tell you what we should have done but didn’t when it’s too late. This time is no different.

[CDC (Centers for Disease Control and PARODY) @CDCdotgov]

The WHO is garbage, that’s why we withdrew.

The CDC is proud to employ the worlds leading experts in wondering why bad things happen despite our best efforts ranging from doing nothing to actively making everything worse

[CDC (Centers for Disease Control and PARODY) @CDCdotgov]

@arijitchakrav @julia_doubleday @miki_fern Not if you die *mildly*

[CDC (Centers for Disease Control and PARODY) @CDCdotgov]

Not doing anything helpful then acting shocked at the result is kind of the CDCs thing these days

[cloverfield ☘️🧚🏻‍♀️ @superednatural]

Why is everybody suddenly acting so shocked that respiratory illnesses are in fact airborne like it's kind of their thing

[CDC (Centers for Disease Control and PARODY) @CDCdotgov]

Hey @gork how many times should I wash my hands to keep from breathing in a virus?

[CDC (Centers for Disease Control and PARODY) @CDCdotgov]

@brailemom The CDC prefers “mild loss of life”

[CDC (Centers for Disease Control and PARODY) @CDCdotgov]

@michael_hoerger Elbows are not capable of impacting the face - the risk is ZERO. This conclusion is based on human trials involving the greatest minds from CDC, HHS, and even POTUS himself

None of us could hit ourselves in the face with our elbow. We even tried right AND left arms! #science

[CDC (Centers for Disease Control and PARODY) @CDCdotgov]

@ddale8 Stop spreading fake news. POTUS is the world’s leading expert on things being inserted into children’s bodies against their will. He has inspected more children than you could imagine.

[CDC (Centers for Disease Control and PARODY) @CDCdotgov]

@ddale8 Stop spreading fake news. POTUS is the world’s leading expert on things being inserted into children’s bodies against their will. He has inspected more children than you could imagine.

[CDC (Centers for Disease Control and PARODY) @CDCdotgov]

The CDC applauds CBS fake news for finally speaking the truth. The test is “mildly positive” which is a real medical thing and what the goodest smart doctors actually say. Totally not worth calling out as weird propaganda.

[CBS News @CBSNews]

An American citizen on a repatriation flight began showing symptoms of hantavirus and another "tested mildly PCR positive for the Andes virus" after being evacuated from the cruise ship that was hit with the deadly outbreak, the Department of Health and Human Services said Sunday night. https://t.co/hUaZb7bAnW

[CDC (Centers for Disease Control and PARODY) @CDCdotgov]

@michael_hoerger Elbows are not capable of impacting the face - the risk is ZERO. This conclusion is based on human trials involving the greatest minds from CDC, HHS, and even POTUS himself

None of us could hit ourselves in the face with our elbow. We even tried right AND left arms! #science

[CDC (Centers for Disease Control and PARODY) @CDCdotgov]

@outbreakupdates Hold your horses, it’s only a *mild* case, nothing to get worked up or take any precautions over.

The new CDC motto: Precautions are severe, death is mild!

[CDC (Centers for Disease Control and PARODY) @CDCdotgov]

@jeremyfaust Please don’t insult our brilliant employees. The HHS comms manager runs a thriving business selling “viruses aren’t real” merch.

Obviously a “mild positive” test means the worst that can happen is mild loss of life. There’s no need to shut down the economy for that!

[CDC (Centers for Disease Control and PARODY) @CDCdotgov]

For once, the CDC agrees with this response. Immediate comfort is a much higher priority than long term health, especially when the worst that can happen is mild loss of life.

That’s why we’re called the Centers for Disease & Comfort Promotion

[Disclose.tv @disclosetv]

NEW - WHO's Tedros responds to pictures that have been circulating online of one of the passengers not wearing a mask: "Many of these passengers are elderly and you can imagine how uncomfortable it could be when you have, especially FFP2 masks."

[CDC (Centers for Disease Control and PARODY) @CDCdotgov]

@michael_hoerger @CovidDataReport Oh we’ll correct that soon.

Sorry, our fact check guy has been busy with his “viruses aren’t real” merch side gig

[CDC (Centers for Disease Control and PARODY) @CDCdotgov]

As the threat of Hantavirus reaches our shores (because we’re flying it here), the CDC would like to remind you: precautions and safety measures are the real things to worry about.

Death and disability is mild.

Having to stay home for a bit and not cough on people? Tyranny.

[CDC (Centers for Disease Control and PARODY) @CDCdotgov]

Announcing our new Hantavirus chief: this guy on X who thinks viruses aren’t real!

He has a talent for communicating ideas which make no sense, and an IQ rivaling that of the president of the United States 🇺🇸

[Luiz M.D. @Luizmd]

Important reminder:

[CDC (Centers for Disease Control and PARODY) @CDCdotgov]

The CDC is planning to safeguard the American public by fully relying on President Trump and his exemplary health, the world class experts on X, and liberal tears.

Hantavirus? More like CANTavirus amirite?

P.S. why is everyone sick all the time these days?

[David Nino Rodriguez @ninoboxer]

The Hantavirus will not succeed for a few reasons I can name just off the top of my head..
1) Trump pulled us out of the WHO
2) The X flood gates are open with independent researchers and doctors to debunk all of it
3) hard to fall for the same bullshit twice unless you’re a liberal

[CDC (Centers for Disease Control and PARODY) @CDCdotgov]

@MadeMeJoin2Read @HHSGov @ASPRgov @CDCgov @StateDept Why would that be necessary? The test was only *mildly* positive 🙄

The CDC understands that precautions = panic, and there’s no reason to panic. It’s way easier to just let it spread and say there’s nothing we could’ve done. Death is quite mild anyway!

[CDC (Centers for Disease Control and PARODY) @CDCdotgov]

Rest assured that the PCR test was mildly positive. Hantavirus continues to spread mildly via mild contact, causing mild symptoms. A mild percentage of those infected may mildly experience loss of life.

CDC is supporting this process with exemplary mild vigilance as always

[HHS @HHSGov]

HHS through @ASPRgov and @CDCgov is supporting @StateDept in the repatriation of 17 American citizens from the MV Hondius cruise ship affected by the Andes variant of hantavirus.

All 17 are currently en route via @StateDept airlift to the United States, with two of the passengers travelling in the plane's biocontainment units out of an abundance of caution. One passenger currently has mild symptoms and another passenger tested mildly PCR positive for the Andes virus.

As of now, the airlift will transport passengers to the ASPR Regional Emerging Special Pathogen Treatment Center (RESPTC) at the University of Nebraska Medical Center/Nebraska Medicine in Omaha, Nebraska before taking the passenger with mild symptoms to a second RESPTC at its final destination.

Upon arrival at each facility, each individual will undergo clinical assessment and receive appropriate care and support based on their condition.