ChecklistMommy

Potty-mouthed mom offering parenting tips and household organizing tricks.

[It’s 𝘿𝙖𝙣𝙖, actually @HourLongSauce]

He’s a 10 but he doesn’t like candy corn.

[ChecklistMommy @ChecklistMommy]

@RYGdance @oneawkwardmom The day I discovered I could work the @Roku from an app on my phone was a very very good day.

[ChecklistMommy @ChecklistMommy]

@amomuncensored @oneawkwardmom Every day.

[ChecklistMommy @ChecklistMommy]

When you have 4 kids, a 1.5 day business trip feels like a 2 week vacation.

That’s the new math IMO.

[ChecklistMommy @ChecklistMommy]

And no I won't apologize for any of the things she says we are both good at, even if it's Yom Kippur. (This tweet was auto-scheduled, promise.)

[ChecklistMommy @ChecklistMommy]

My 15 yo is concerned I haven't made enough adult friends at her high school so she has started matchmaking.

So far so good -- here's a text I got this week from my new top contender for MOM BFF:

[ChecklistMommy @ChecklistMommy]

And yes my kid is obviously a genius I have never been so excited to make a new friend. Aside from all the other many admirable attributes we share, this woman writes "to wit" and "nigh" IN HER TEXTS.

[ChecklistMommy @ChecklistMommy]

@Social_Mime Angelenos used to haul around a Thomas Guide!

[ChecklistMommy @ChecklistMommy]

Gen X wins all the things.

[CC 🦋 @CCRuns]

I was born in the sixties, in middle school in the seventies, in high school in the eighties, and in college in the nineties so I'm good at protesting, free love, cocaine and wearing flannels tied around my waist

[ChecklistMommy @ChecklistMommy]

This is a good plan.

[KJ @IDontSpeakWhine]

Fun fact: If you give everyone a mild case of food poisoning, then the PTA won't ask you to bake anything ever again.

[ChecklistMommy @ChecklistMommy]

Went for my annual OB/GYN visit today and stepped on the scale and the nurse read my weight and then said “minus 2 pounds because you’re wearing clothes” and this is why women health providers servicing women is VITALLY IMPORTANT.

[🌜🤷‍♂️ 🤯Dad Moon Rising🤯 🤷‍♂️🌛 @raoulvilla]

parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never

[One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom]

It’s funny that we make excuses for ourselves by using ‘mom brain’ and ‘baby brain,’ as if the reason we’re occasionally scatterbrained isn’t because we’re responsible for the mental load of our entire family.

[One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom]

My toddler just walked by saying ‘cinnamon bitch’ over and over, and I felt attacked until I realized he meant ‘son of a bitch.’ Crisis averted.

[ChecklistMommy @ChecklistMommy]

May my son and daughter have a meaningful fast and may I not have to listen to them complaining about it.

There I already have things to atone for next year!

[ChecklistMommy @ChecklistMommy]

@threetimedaddy I say this CONSTANTLY to our kids. There is no such thing as can't -- just can't YET, or can't without HELP. All things are doable with enough effort, practice, or infrastructure. That's when they say things like, I can't grow to be 15 feet tall, can I? They're annoying.

[ChecklistMommy @ChecklistMommy]

CO-SIGN.
https://t.co/UyKpou2grr

[Unfiltered Mama 💗✌️ @UnfilteredMama]

Them: Don’t tweet political stuff. Stick to funny parenting.

Me: Funny thing is, I like my kids alive, ok?

[Jessica Valenti @JessicaValenti]

I've been married 13 years as of today and my advice is to find someone who's as invested in your ambitions as you are, who makes you feel like your best self, and who won't be too irked when they catch you giving them the finger behind their back