The Classified Owl

The Classified Owl is your one-stop-shop for bargains, jobs, romance, horseshit and death. Send us your ads!

[The Classified Owl @ClassifiedOwl]

EVENTS: This Friday! At Fingal's Emporium - "Eleanor Beeve's Carnival of Chance" Watch in horror as Eleanor gambles with your life and loses

[bob mortimer @RealBobMortimer]

WANTED : Framed picture of Kevin McCloud spewing up on or near a rabbit hutch. Will pay £8.00

[Zed @Colkitto]

@NaeFear Why don't both of you get behind Nicola and let her get on with the job?

[Poltair History Dept @HistoryPoltair]

After the UK referendum: A map showing how knowledgeable Europeans are about the EU https://t.co/QdkmBzxjeC via @VoxEurop

[The Classified Owl @ClassifiedOwl]

EMPLOYMENT OPPORTUNITY: pub seeks mute quizmaster for alternative pub quiz night. Good rates of pay. Cash in hand - no questions asked.

[The Classified Owl @ClassifiedOwl]

FOR SALE: Arthur C Clarke's "Recipes for the Infirm" inc: Beckham's Beetroot, Milk of Amnesia, Beef Brulee, Chicory & Wasp Gratin, Fish Tits

[The Classified Owl @ClassifiedOwl]

SERVICES: Professional dog smiler for hire. For just £30 i shall come to your home and smile at your dog for one hour. Results guaranteed.

[The Classified Owl @ClassifiedOwl]

LOFT CLEAROUT: 1 x minke whale (used), antique chin trapeze, one dozen bee fillets and a bag of swan mortars. £99-the-lot or swap for kennel

[The Classified Owl @ClassifiedOwl]

GADGETS: Deshevelled Revel level. Slight bevel.

[Tripe Marketing Board 💚 @TripeUK]

Desperately seeking 450 new followers...

[The Classified Owl @ClassifiedOwl]

WHAT'S ON: psychic night

[The Classified Owl @ClassifiedOwl]

TECH: Integrated crank tank & calibrated horse piston. Ickle degridated on 1 side due to leaky sludge grommet. Ideal for colonic redundancy.

[The Classified Owl @ClassifiedOwl]

PERSONAL: Clatty, batty and very chatty. Seeks loveable fatty, tatty or natty with belts in karate to sip a chai latte in my yellow Bugatti.

[The Classified Owl @ClassifiedOwl]

OPENING SOON: Edinburgh's very own Pop-Up Wart Museum curated by Dr Veronica Ferret. Adults £80. Kids go free. Please do not touch exhibits.

[The Classified Owl @ClassifiedOwl]

BAKE SURPLUS: Pot-noodle strudel. Burst pallet, free to rude gnome. Must be consumed this aeon. Apply in reverse to Carol Wizard, Hants.

[The Classified Owl @ClassifiedOwl]

WLTM: Canadian bus psychiatrist (35) with fear of keys seeks gregarious fruit conjurer for Paris-Dakar Rally participation. Maybe more ...

[The Classified Owl @ClassifiedOwl]

ALLEGED SALE: Rumour Mill. Well maintained and used constantly for years. Sadly doesn't produce flour although… it might. £POA.

[The Classified Owl @ClassifiedOwl]

ISAWU: On the #8 bus to Findo Gask. You were the 20-something grey-haired crystal saleswoman. I wore an "I love Ted McMinn" T-shirt. Call me

[The Classified Owl @ClassifiedOwl]

BLACK FRIDAY DEAL: Entry to last week's 0-0 draw between Leicester and Sunderland now HALF PRICE! Book early to avoid disappointment!!