David

[David @ColumboFanDave]

@AlexThomp @jaketapper “the zenn diagram”? oof. Dummy!

[David @ColumboFanDave]

@rickygervais This one.

[charli quirk @girlbosswoman]

Counting or not counting the tools my father made?

[Daggerlad @Daggerlad2]

Me: To me, goo is strange. It is an unusual substance.

Alien: To me, goo is quite normal. I use goo in every day life.

[David @ColumboFanDave]

@AwfulButGreat @TheWapplehouse I thought for a second this was for dead people with mobility issues

[Thomas White @len0killer]

Doesn’t matter whether Chuck Norris had/died from AIDS. That shouldn’t affect his legacy or anyone else’s

[Thomas White @len0killer]

Children now spend more time watching Suits, than wearing one.

[Thomas White @len0killer]

Every journalist: This lil piece is taking forever but it WILL be a masterpiece…send hugs :/

Finished article: Even the mere amazing flavor of the tantalizing food, entices one to eat it. And believe it or not, that delicious journey from plate to mouth, is only the beginning.

[computer man @gloomfather]

(Interrupting my wife’s zoom meeting) Hey babe I noticed you didn’t cut my blueberries in half when u made my snack earlier? I guess you want me to choke and die? (Noticing myself reflected in her webcam next to her coworkers) nightmare blunt rotation lmao

[juan @juanbuis]

you can always tell when americans have never been to europe because they don’t know about 2

[Mike F @DeputyWarlock]

I don't knock before I go in because I never stop going in. I'm takin a crap and makin it happen. I've been pissing for 5 seconds by the time my hand even reaches the doorknob

[deg @degg]

my italian husband is a wizard in the kitchen. and le bedroom!!

[sophia of hangover @aethelfleds]

Movies now: we've reconstructed the accent of ancient Phoenicia and locked Robert Pattinson in a cell until he learns it
Movies in the 30s: hello darling how the devil are you? Say that's swell. Did you hear Constantinople fell to the Turks last week

[David @ColumboFanDave]

@Nick_Cerveza better to burn out than to fade away

[onion person @CantEverDie]

amazing

[David @ColumboFanDave]

@Hermit_Thrush How can I hold the gun if I’m using both hands?

[Russell Crowe @russellcrowe]

Maps. I love them. Love reading them , love planning adventures. Love seeing how things relate topographically.

[hb @h3xenbrenner2]

(Burning in hell) why am I here? I lived a good life

Demon: You didn’t pay for an appetiser once. That’s stealing

The waitress said they were free because of the wait for our food

Demon: that still counts as stealing