JARED FTW

I'm quitting Twitter. Bye.

[Micah Crowe @Micah__superman]

If you can't fuck in heaven, I'm going to hell

[JARED FTW @Dad_Help]

I accidentally ate a wasp yesterday. Thought it was a bee

[JARED FTW @Dad_Help]

I'm not actually quitting Twitter. Who are you really gonna believe, me or my bio??

[JARED FTW @Dad_Help]

#TEETH https://t.co/zSnS0USk9C

[JARED FTW @Dad_Help]

No, dad, I didn't floss my #teeth tonight

[JARED FTW @Dad_Help]

Dad, help me brush my #teeth

[JARED FTW @Dad_Help]

@mortimermaiden @EndMeRightNow @coffeebabes1 I think it's mostly fair to treat shit people like shit

[JARED FTW @Dad_Help]

It's been 2 years 7 months 3 weeks 2 days 5 hours 14 minutes and 23.7 seconds since dad went to go get those wood screws. He's so silly.

[JARED FTW @Dad_Help]

You might be a dad if you sign all of your text messages.

[JARED FTW @Dad_Help]

Oops

[JARED FTW @Dad_Help]

Having to pretend that my son isn't a disappointment. #GrowingUpDad

[JARED FTW @Dad_Help]

The perfect name for a son is Tom because Tom rhymes with son.

[JARED FTW @Dad_Help]

When you wish upon a dad your dreams come true 🎶

[JARED FTW @Dad_Help]

@jusj0shin his arch nemesis, Crocodaddy-Dundi

[JARED FTW @Dad_Help]

OTHER DAD TAILGATING OUTSIDE OF HOME DEPOT: This is what 'Merican patriotism is all about, son.
[Scarfs down Oscar Mayer Wiener]

[JARED FTW @Dad_Help]

@RitaCance @jadynnnn_ sorry, visitation hours ended a long time ago.

[JARED FTW @Dad_Help]

@jadynnnn_ @RitaCance #TheMoreYouKnow

[JARED FTW @Dad_Help]

[Side kicks train w/his tiny kid-like leg]
DAMSEL:is this a joke?I need help or I'm dea-
[Train runs her over]
DAD-MAN:hi "dea", I'm Dad-Man