Dad to the Future II

[Dad to the Future II @DadtotheFuture2]

(at my funeral)
He died doing what he loved.
"Really. What was he doing?"
Nothing.

[Dad to the Future II @DadtotheFuture2]

@damnfinetweet @wildethingy

[Dad to the Future II @DadtotheFuture2]

@RepMTG Better act quick before a trans woman of color beats you to it and you’re forced to call them a real American.

[Dad to the Future II @DadtotheFuture2]

@saturdaycontest @damnfinetweet https://t.co/gbzGYVZAJb

[Dad to the Future II @DadtotheFuture2]

The tweet prompt: “This is why we can’t have nice things!”

My tweet: “Trump”

(tweet gets 1 billion likes)

[Dad to the Future II @DadtotheFuture2]

The tweet prompt: “This is why we can’t have nice things!”

My tweet: “Trump”

(tweet gets 1 billion likes)

[Dad to the Future II @DadtotheFuture2]

@saturdaycontest @damnfinetweet https://t.co/A1YLtRjzU5

[Dad to the Future II @DadtotheFuture2]

(showing my wife our bank balance)

“See? This is why we can’t have nice things.”

[Dad to the Future II @DadtotheFuture2]

(showing my wife our bank balance)

“See? This is why we can’t have nice things.”

[тнe ѕaтυrday conтeѕт @saturdaycontest]

CONTEST: THIS IS WHY WE CAN’T HAVE NICE THINGS

It’s the last contest with @damnfinetweet 💔. Send in 3 original tweets written by you by 6p EST.

DM OPT IN to @damnfinetweet to receive & give trophies. We quit at 6PM EST. DM us your DFT notifications by then to make lists

[Dad to the Future II @DadtotheFuture2]

@Wonderful_Ed LED headlights

[Dad to the Future II @DadtotheFuture2]

@REALCURVYMAMA Be careful

[Dad to the Future II @DadtotheFuture2]

@VSnowbelle A chicken with big, juicy titties?

[Dad to the Future II @DadtotheFuture2]

Car add-ons:
1) Forklift/catapult device on the front
(for people that cut me off in traffic)

2) Retractable 5'X5' mirror on the back
(for people behind me with LED headlights)

3) Giant, spring-loaded boxing glove for each side
(for people that ride in my blind spot)

[Dad to the Future II @DadtotheFuture2]

@madison_tayt My son is highly allergic to dogs. Should he never get to go out to eat (at a restaurant for PEOPLE) or to the grocery store (to buy things, like PEOPLE do)? Maybe I should leave him at home so he doesn’t hurt the feelings of someone who chose to bring their dog to a PEOPLE place

[madison @madison_tayt]

i absolutely love dogs but i think we’ve become entirely too permissive as a culture with thinking they can and should be taken everywhere

[Dad to the Future II @DadtotheFuture2]

Working from home has ruined me. My wife suggested we go out tonight because “we’ve both had a shower today”.

[Dad Named Matt 🇺🇸 @mahnamematt]

Me: I need a tablespoon outta the drawer.

My potato masher: fight me for it, bitch.

[michael @FilledwithUrine]

bro idc if im 25 if i fall asleep in your car it’s your responsibility to carry me to bed and give me a kiss goodnight

[Dad to the Future II @DadtotheFuture2]

Ok, which one of you bought all the Christmas Tree Cakes?!

[Dad to the Future II @DadtotheFuture2]

I'm working from home the rest of the yeeeeear
My brain cannot thinking
The walls are all shrinking
Get me out of heeeeeeere
It's the most wonderful time of the yeeeeear!

[Dad to the Future II @DadtotheFuture2]

I'm working from home the rest of the yeeeear
The kids are all yelling
I don't know what you're telling me, I cannot heeeear
It's the most wonderful time of the yeeeeear
1/4

[Dad to the Future II @DadtotheFuture2]

There'll be parties (not going)
My inbox is growing
"We're caroling out in the snow!"
"Let's share Christmas stories!"
Man, I'm in my forties
I'm pretty sure my answer is "nooooooooo"
3/4