Mr. TwoCents

This life, only has one take, 😎 Action 🎬,
My mind is my Paradise.
Work smart, play hard!

[Mr. TwoCents @DarksideReal]

@AliChiapo @joelrrwoth why are u running from opening spaces , 🤣🤣🤣, u are on weak man

[Kingpin of Kenya @ClintonObonyo]

sasa hawa vijana wadogo...

[Mr. TwoCents @DarksideReal]

@ouma_neko Once I read that the Rehabilitation center is working without government funding , I suspected the services must be premium, @KiloNiZileTu

[Eric @amerix]

If you are struggling with a backache because you sit in the office for long hours or you are a driver or a rider,

• Start sleeping on the floor.

A bed and mattress compress your spine.

A hard floor straightens your spinal column.

• When you wake up, do some dead hangs for 30 seconds, three times.

Then, tribal squats for 3 minutes.

These will decompress your spinal column and calm the backache.

• In addition, plan to walk 8,000 to 10,000 steps daily.

Movement keeps your muscles fit and strong.

The dull backache is due to an inactive core, a tight pelvis, weak buttocks and a frail lower body.

Human beings were designed to move all the time, not to sit.

[Sholla Ard 🇰🇪 @sholard_mancity]

🚨 JUST IN: KRA has officially changed the deadlines for filing annual tax returns in Kenya.

Millions of Kenyans will now have different filing dates depending on their tax status.

📌 New deadlines:

• Nil Returns (no taxable income): By January 31

• Salaried employees (PAYE only): By April 30. Most returns will be pre-filled on iTax - simply verify and submit.

• Businesses & taxpayers with other income (side hustles, consultancy, rental income, etc.): June 30 remains the deadline.

This replaces the old system, where almost everyone filed by June 30.

Please read, save, and share so your family and friends don't miss the new deadlines and end up paying unnecessary penalties. Adios.

[Mr. TwoCents @DarksideReal]

@LebooooR @Shadaya_Knight

[Mr. TwoCents @DarksideReal]

@AokoOtieno_ Once the govt saw the amount of dooooooollars on the contract it was a wrap !

[George T. Diano @georgediano]

Just like many other halfwit politicians who treat education like a family detox program, Oscar Sudi shipped his daughter all the way to Nottingham Trent University so at least one member of the bloodline could return with a functioning hard drive instead of inherited buffering problems. Mission seemed successful.

The daughter of Kapseret graduated with style, Yamune accent upgraded, walking like she owns two passports and a skincare routine sponsored by the British government. But kama kawa wadau, Mali ya Uma has its own implications & Karma is no one's papa.

Fresh from the UK, madam came back home and fell deeply in love with a broke Gengetone rapper from Kayole. A certified member of the Walala Hoii Association of Kenya. This brother is still fighting for survival on YouTube with 4.7k views, 17 comments and 11 of them written by his cousins.

The man cannot fuel a boda boda, let alone dreams. His entire music career is hanging like zuku WiFi during rain. From UK degree to Wamlambez auditions in Mukuru kwa Ruben. You can imagine the pain in Kapseret CDF offices. Sudi probably expected a son-in-law who discusses stocks and real estate, only for destiny to deliver a man whose biggest asset is a Bluetooth speaker and confidence.

Reports indicate the self-proclaimed engineer who attended school through osmosis is now considering giving the young man a free open-air full body massage with not so happy ending sponsored by frustration and high blood pressure after warnings failed to penetrate his skull which is harder than meroni.

But anyway, love knows no boundaries. Cupid clearly said poverty is not a disability. This is actually a massive victory for the Walala Hoii community. A motivational story for every broke man in Eastlands currently surviving on ugali umena and gambling predictions.

That’s why I always advise poor men to invest heavily in Kegel exercises and advanced waist management technologies. Because when destiny finally opens the gates of opportunity, your ability to rotate hips like a malfunctioning ceiling fan might be the only thing separating you from poverty and a direct transfer to soft life.

Now our boy is seeing softlife in HD with his sanpaku eyes. Yesterday he was borrowing fare and charging his phone at the kibanda. Today he’s walking around like the OG, enjoying invisible benefits from Kapseret CDF while helping the Sudi family to eat public funds Eat TauTau!

Truly, horizontal engineering remains one of the leading employers of youths in this country. I got an opportunity and decided to run away with it. Mimi sikuizi ni Gym tu, kumumunya Mukombero na kugurumisha mtoto ya Munene,, Chesaa!! Kama kawa sisi walala hoii hatuna maoni, Letu Jicho tu. 👀

[Mr. TwoCents @DarksideReal]

Sad part is that there is no empathy for a man in the society we live in

[Eric @amerix]

A man can be seated next to you, smelling of perfume, polished shoes, clean shirt, and inside him there is a whole funeral service happening.

[The Instigator @Am_Blujay]

This got me laughing man 😂

[Mariam @WairimuMariam]

Fact: Women often remain single not by choice, but due to accumulated trauma or rejection. The shame of being rejected prompts us to frame our involuntary singleness as a self-imposed choice to save face.

These types of "positive affirmations" are manufactured illusions to avoid reality.

[Mr. TwoCents @DarksideReal]

@rbmuthoni @ConradKulo Stay tuned we will soon hear very interesting news 😂😂

[George T. Diano @georgediano]

Son of Barnabas is currently staring at a long-term staycation in a govt owned Airbnb after deciding to audition for the role of Kenya’s Most Unnecessary Criminal by mutilating Kenyan currency on camera. The other day our boy was tearing up notes as if his father is the Governor of the Central Bank and money grows on mugumo trees.

He was doing it with confidence, audacity & stupidity! Little did he know that the Kiambu Rd based sleuths were watching him with sanpaku eyes, especially Afande Kipto, a man who was personally motivated because his Fuliza reminder SMS had just landed that morning.

When you tear money in front of a police officer who still owes safaricom,,, my friend, you are basically writing your own arrest warrant. It didn’t even take 24 hours before the mumu man was netted like a tilapia in Lake Victoria.

Right now he is cooling his heels in the executive govt owned Airbnb along Kiambu Rd near Karura Forest, enjoying complimentary accommodation, zero Wi-Fi, and a strict room service menu of ugali, beans, and deep personal reflection.

Soon he’ll be transported to a gated community along Kamiti Road, where he will be warmly welcomed by the Sondu eaters, certified mikoras, and other long-term tenants who will educate him on an important life lesson.

In Kenya you can waste time, but tearing money on camera? That one will give you a free govt vacation immediately. Kama kawa sisi walala hoii hatuna maoni, Letu Jicho tu.👀

[MethoDman @polo_kimanii]

Na vijana mjue when you indulge yourselves with a woman who has a child that is not yours,please be comfortable with the fact that you’ll be a 3rd party in that relationship. Unajua mtoto huwa anasoma mood ya mama yake,sasa kama mama hakuongeleshi,mtoto pia anakukasirikia. Na hajali kama ulimlipia schoolfees last term na izo matour za ughasia wanaendanga kuoneshwa waterfalls. Unajua ata huwezi chapa iyo mtoto ikikosea,something just doesnt feel right.

You spend so much time putting effort to be called “dad” or “baba” and all you get is the bare minimum. The only way to bring balance to this improper equation ni kuongesa yeye watoto mbili. Wanakua tatu. Sasa ikikuja ni kutandika unatandika wote. This way,you stop feeling shortchanged,and she will feel settled. And you can collectively put effort to thrive as a family.

Kama huyo mwanamke hana mtoto yako,you will see shege. Its better to even domesticate a Dog. Buana they will never teach you this in unifasti

[Mr. TwoCents @DarksideReal]

@KiloNiZileTu Hehehe u had to bring The Club into this beating , we are sorry

[Mr. TwoCents @DarksideReal]

@KiloNiZileTu come see this

[LASHY BILLS @LASHYBILLS]

3 girls have been charged with felony gang assault after they tried to jump a 16-year-old pizza worker— who turned out to be a trained MMA fighter

The main girl who started the fight ended up breaking her orbital bone.

[Mr. TwoCents @DarksideReal]

@KiloNiZileTu Niaje , nimeisoma , snitchez bana

[George T. Diano @georgediano]

You see, Luhya traditions are not just deep, they are deep freezer. Chesaa!! You don’t marry a Luhya man, you subscribe to ancestral Wi-Fi with unlimited data and no logout button. For the past two weeks, Mulamwah’s ex, Ruth K has been going through premium tears. Her young son Kalamwah suddenly declared a nutrition go-slow.

The boy refused to eat, sleep, play, fart, blink & breathe in peace,, he just cried like rent was due in Sayuni. Ruth rushed Kalamwah to hospital, Doctors checked him, Scanned him, Reset him, Upgraded him but they couldn't detect any virus.

Daughter of Mumbi prayed, fasted, She even probably whispered Psalms directly into Kalamwah’s ear. The boy said “Madam, I hear you, but I’m still crying.” Left with no options, Ruth called Mulamwah. Mulamwah said, “Relax atakuwa sawa.” Ruth thought he was joking & taking things lightly.

She decided to call Mulamwah’s mum. Mum said, “Relax, katakuwa sawa.” At this point Ruth knew this problem was no longer under NHIF, it was under ancestral warranty. Mulamwah arrived, No thermometer, No prayer & No syrup.

The man simply removed shoes, stepped on the boy’s stomach barefoot like he’s activating a hidden button, and BOOM,,, the crying stopped instantly.
Ancestors updated their new systems successfully.

Apparently the boy just wanted his father’s presence. No amount of Cerelac, toys, cartoons or Blue Band could fix that. Then Mulamwah produced a jogoo without blemish to cleanse the house.

Do you know how hard it is to find a jogoo without blemish after Christmas? Chickens are still suffering PTSD and survivor’s guilt! But Walimwengu are saying that the kid's issue was probably brought by Ruth.

She might have been doing some horizontal engineering, fluid mixing and advanced gymnastics, then went to carry Kalamwah without showering, thinking Jesus washed all traditions on the cross.

Unfortunately for Ruth, she sired a kid with a dangerous clan, wanyore hapana taka macheso. Ruth must obey Mulamwah until the child turns five. After that, she may resume bedroom Olympics.

This is why Luhya men don’t panic when women run away with their kids. They know one day the child will definitely come back. Failure to comply? Straight to Sayuni. Chesaa!! This habit of Okuyo babes siring kids with men, then they murifee & name their sons after their grandmothers must Stop.

So ladies, please before you fall in love with a Luhya man, ask yourself “Are you ready to live under ancestral Wi-Fi?” Because once connected, even your tears need permission to fall. Kama kawa sisi walala hoii hatuna maoni, Letu Jicho tu.👀

[Mr. TwoCents @DarksideReal]

@Kuyah750 @georgenjoroge_ U mean he has attended the class but learnt nothing 🙆🏿‍♂️🙆🏿‍♂️