David

Dad, Techie, Midlife Crisis Expert, #LFGM #BlackLivesMatter

[David @DefinitiveDavid]

My daughter is officially a teenager. It’s all downhill from here, right?

[meghan @deloisivete]

my kid: that looks like the really old Mario, the 90s Mario

me: ouch

[David @DefinitiveDavid]

So who wants to help me build old Twitter?

[Adam @adamgreattweet]

Is this what it felt like to run out of minutes on a cellular plan in 2003?

[SingleBabyMama @_SingleBabyMama]

Dang it! He kills Twitter just as the tweet about my bush was taking off. Coincidence, I think not.

[your other mom @difficultpatty]

I will happily live with the manufacturer’s sticker on an item for the rest of my life than the sticky residue for twenty years.

[David @DefinitiveDavid]

Me: *shaves my beard off*

Every female I know: You’re dead to me.

[your other mom @difficultpatty]

What base is it when he tells me to calm down?

[David @DefinitiveDavid]

*shakes Magic 8 Ball*

Me: Will my teenager ever thank me for driving her everywhere?

Magic 8 Ball: Very doubtful.

[Ms_Xtina @Ms_Xtina]

My husband pushed me off of him once so he could watch the previews for the following week's Quantico. I'll use that against him until the day he dies.

[Natalie Would @_NatalieWould]

Countries are just gangs with more paperwork.

[Bitz @bitzydimbo]

love means never holding in your farts.

[David @DefinitiveDavid]

Welcome to your 40s. You now have an upstairs and downstairs pair of glasses.

[𝗮𝗻𝗱𝘆 𝘃𝘀. @im_all_id]

Retweet now and you'll get a free deviled egg plate

[🦎TwistedSister 🇺🇸 @LostNTheAbyss]

I have sick kids, pray for my sanity

[inspector ratchet @_hood_mona_lisa]

"Do you smoke the devil's lettuce?"

Mom, why the fuck would I smoke coleslaw

[Pizza Las Vegas 🍕🎲 @muyrando]

I prefer my disasters slightly mitigated.