Miriam Valdez

Sometimes you make her smile, sometimes you make her cry, but her love for you will never die...

[Miriam Valdez @Efimiy76]

Unicorns can't fly. I can't fly. Therefore, I am a unicorn.

[Miriam Valdez @Efimiy76]

Never get married in college; it's hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you've already made one mistake.

[William Sotelo @ilyaynenl]

Throwing your phone in anger, then checking if it's still okay.

[Tiffaney Browne @87_gfaeva]

If there was an award for laziness... Id probably send someone to pick it up for me.

[Miriam Valdez @Efimiy76]

Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

[Miriam Valdez @Efimiy76]

Life is unsure; always eat your dessert first.

[Miriam Valdez @Efimiy76]

Truth is... I don't care like I used to. I'm just too busy living my damn life to worry about pointless drama.

[Miriam Valdez @Efimiy76]

I always test psychics with a knock knock joke. If they say "Who's there?" I get up and leave.

[Della Irvin @MissPodkopay]

Everybody has a girlfriend or boyfriend, and I'm just over here like "I love food".

[Miriam Valdez @Efimiy76]

No matter how amazing you are at something, there will always be an 8 year old Asian kid who is better.

[Miriam Valdez @Efimiy76]

Saying "Thats crazy" when you haven't been paying attention to what someone's saying.

[Miriam Valdez @Efimiy76]

I don't care if it's 5am. I don't consider it "tomorrow" until I wake up.

[Bonnie Cantrell @mchemerkin]

My youngest son pointed to a picture of R2D2 and said, "WALL-E!" ...He's dead to me now.

[Miriam Valdez @Efimiy76]

I don't regret meeting you. I regret trusting you, thinking you were different.

[Miriam Valdez @Efimiy76]

I'd participate in more blind taste tests if they didn't always scream & hit me with their canes while I'm licking them.

[Miriam Valdez @Efimiy76]

Everyone: If you keep listening to your music so loudly you'll be deaf by the time you're 20. Me: What?

[Kathleen Erickson @2016Purgina]

Girlfriends are like credit cards, you can't get one unless you already have one.

[Miriam Valdez @Efimiy76]

Everybody has a girlfriend or boyfriend, and I'm just over here like "I love food".

[Sandra Streets @RqZkhorenkov]

Im allergic to food. Every time I eat it breaks out into fat.

[Jeane Mitchell @CoolLakin]

Two girls wear the same shirt: "She copied my style!" Two guys wear the same shirt: "BRO!"