Professional Sinner

[Professional Sinner @FilthySinner69]

Apparently serving hard time isn't as exciting or pleasurable as it sounds.

[AmericanⒼⓔⓝⓣ @AmericanGent69]

Sex life status: a tumbleweed just rolled across my bed.

[AmericanⒼⓔⓝⓣ @AmericanGent69]

A bright future overshadows a dark past.

[AmericanⒼⓔⓝⓣ @AmericanGent69]

Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME

[AmericanⒼⓔⓝⓣ @AmericanGent69]

Casually whispers “I bet he has a small penis” after every good looking guy my date and I walk past.

[AmericanⒼⓔⓝⓣ @AmericanGent69]

Stop👏🏼using👏🏼the👏🏼clap👏🏼emoji👏🏼in👏🏼tweets👏🏼

[AmericanⒼⓔⓝⓣ @AmericanGent69]

*walks in front door to a clean home, dinner on the table, kids playing quietly*

Me: Ok, my bad...I’m drunk and it appears I’ve walked into the wrong house. I’ll leave now.

[AmericanⒼⓔⓝⓣ @AmericanGent69]

Me: Do you want to go to the Bed....
Her: OMG yes!
Me: ....Bath and Beyond store?

[AmericanⒼⓔⓝⓣ @AmericanGent69]

I don’t want you to be happy.

~alarm clocks

[AmericanⒼⓔⓝⓣ @AmericanGent69]

Me: I love u.
Date: Omg baby!
Me: Ok now you tell me your favorite letter.

[DevilryFun @DevilryFun]

The key to a balanced breakfast is to mix cereal directly into your coffee and add a wellness shot of booze.

[Jarhead @Jarhead44]

I'm finally going to watch the Superbowl tonight.

Nobody tell me who wins.

Go Rams.

[God @TheTweetOfGod]

Many of the people who live in your country are morons.

[Dave @pittdave13]

Fun fact; If the hostess at Chick-Fil-A gives your kid a bag of Cheerios, they are legally obligated to vacuum your car. Just ask, they will say “my pleasure”

[Darla @ddsmidt]

Some people can’t be bothered, but not me, I’m bothered a lot.

[A Shot of Steve™ ⚡️ @SteveKoehler22]

If nothing else ... be kind today.
We need a whole lot more of that.

[gⓗⓓ @GingerHotDish]

I never thought my soulmate would use the word oodles so much, but here we are.

[gⓗⓓ @GingerHotDish]

If you’re not scared to lose him, are you even babysitting an Italian mobster’s kid?

[gⓗⓓ @GingerHotDish]

I hear moving on is good for IBS, maybe you should try it.

[gⓗⓓ @GingerHotDish]

I’d shove a dick in your mouth to get you to shut up, but no one wants their dick in your mouth... no one.