FunnyMoms.com

Parenting with a sense of humor. Women should really take more advantage of poop humor. Purveyors of shame & fart jokes: @Kaytlev @friskylisp @kellys5280.

[yeah ok @poutinesmoothie]

Fuck your ancestral architecture! I need to deliver sugar water!

[Farty B @btemps]

Here's an example of a typical response to a birthday party invite for Montessori kids:

[Farty B @btemps]

Someone in our Bay Area home office named their daughter Tesla and I'm becoming more comfortable with the idea of a North Korean nuke.

[Ꮍᴀᴇʟ @elle91]

My mom is trying to explain Amazon Prime to my aunt who somehow knows less about technology than her. Nothing correct has been said yet.

[Farty B @btemps]

If you need me I'll be at Golden Corral - divorced dads

[Josh @iwearaonesie]

Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or

[Amanda @Manda_like_wine]

My child went to art day-camp today. One project was to make a new superhero. This is what my child made.

[Ally @TragicAllyHere]

Anxiety level: nervous the cleaning lady I hired will be mad at me for making her clean

[dick snickers @smithsara79]

"Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?"
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves

[Olly iConic @OllyiConic]

I swear, I turn my back for less than a minute and all four of my children die of scurvy.

[Hill @Beamo23]

Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day.
Teach a kid to play Go Fish, and you'll regret it the rest of the afternoon.

[Witchy Woman @dreamthievin]

Oh dang I'm 4,000 steps short of my Fitbit goal and it's 11:30 pm
*begins wrestling off sports bra
*finishes with 9,206 extra steps

[Farty B @btemps]

Free parent discussion template:

What kind of asshole has a kid's birthday party at [insert time] on a fucking [insert day of the week]?!?

[eEric @ericsshadow]

What do you guys want to eat?

GOOD SON: whatever you feel like making

SON WHO THINKS HIS TOOTHBRUSH IS HAUNTED: anything soft

[dick snickers @smithsara79]

Student: Actually, my dad says-
Me: Okay, thanks, Braxton
S: My name's Brayden
M: That's what I said, Tristan, now sit back down

[dick snickers @smithsara79]

The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy's free & kneeling in the rain, except it's me after any conversation with my mom finally ends