Giovanni Sturiale

Comedian in training. Almost as old as you. Pizza is what makes me break down

[Giovanni Sturiale @GiovanniLongDik]

@amazon, prompted me to get a 36 pack of Trojan condoms every month with their subscription service… Thanks for the confidence Boost!

[Giovanni Sturiale @GiovanniLongDik]

Once the black athletes start getting robbed at the Olympics, I think its time to pull a France and retreat!

[Your Fearless Leader @Dat_One_Italian]

@boburnham Truly capturing what it is like to have the mind of a comedian in his new special Make Happy. Watch it right now if you haven't!

[Giovanni Sturiale @GiovanniLongDik]

Did you hear about the Catholic priest against pedophilia?
Of course you haven't!

[Giovanni Sturiale @GiovanniLongDik]

#My4WordLateExcuse "Your mother always swallows"

[Giovanni Sturiale @GiovanniLongDik]

My girlfriend is like a 82 Pinto, she explodes when I hit it from the back...

[Giovanni Sturiale @GiovanniLongDik]

Today I told a girl
"You smell like milk, I like milk."
I'm lactose intolerant...

[Giovanni Sturiale @GiovanniLongDik]

@Mr_MikeGreene When are you going to delete the ones labeled "Grindr"?

[Giovanni Sturiale @GiovanniLongDik]

My name is Giovanni, which means "God is gracious".
But, I'm atheist...
God is mad...

[the hype @TheHyyyype]

GIRL: l'm tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.

ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*

[Giovanni Sturiale @GiovanniLongDik]

Drinking black coffee is like admitting defeat to old age.

[Giovanni Sturiale @GiovanniLongDik]

Women in a store: "Does this shirt look like me?"
Me: "Yeah your pretty cheap!"

[Giovanni Sturiale @GiovanniLongDik]

Things I will teach my son,
1. Fuck your way to the top, respectively
2. Don't do drugs, unless you want to be cool.
3. Bush did 9/11

[Your Fearless Leader @Dat_One_Italian]

@reeder @iamjermainew It's sad how comedy correlates to laughter. #NoLaughterMovement aka #feminism

[Giovanni Sturiale @GiovanniLongDik]

Jesus says he loves me,
I just hope the fucker pays child support!
#Jesus #NotInLove

[Giovanni Sturiale @GiovanniLongDik]

Jehovah's witnesses have seen some shit #StraightToThePoint

[Giovanni Sturiale @GiovanniLongDik]

If @realdonaldtrump is elected, I am investing all my money into catapult companies based in Mexico. #DonaldTrump

[Giovanni Sturiale @GiovanniLongDik]

Isn't a lonely orphan both sad and repetitive? #showerthoughts

[Giovanni Sturiale @GiovanniLongDik]

I'm a closeted racist in the sense that I hate black people but I love big dicks. #notgaybutt #bigblackcocks #racism