Matthew Burmeister

Comedian & vagabond

[Matthew Burmeister @HappyMattB]

I booped his belly with a knife. ... You mean you stabbed him?

[Matthew Burmeister @HappyMattB]

I need a roommate so I have someone else to blame for not doing the dishes.

[Matthew Burmeister @HappyMattB]

"I got your back."

Thank you shirt!

[Matthew Burmeister @HappyMattB]

Ever take a look at yourself in the mirror? Like really look? Yeah, you should stop that. #dailyaffirmations

[Matthew Burmeister @HappyMattB]

If things get bad, remember, somewhere kids are doing drugs. You could be doing drugs. #dailyaffirmation

[Matthew Burmeister @HappyMattB]

Ever tell yourself you should have just stayed in bed? You were right. #Dailyaffirmation

[Matthew Burmeister @HappyMattB]

New years was thirty days ago, i gave up on my resolution when i thought of it.

[Matthew Burmeister @HappyMattB]

I'm so awkward I avoid eye-contact on tindr.

[Matthew Burmeister @HappyMattB]

Ever been in the middle of an argument and realized YOU were wrong?? Nope, me either.

[Matthew Burmeister @HappyMattB]

Pain in my right arm at the same time "listen to your heart" came on. Is the radio giving me a wake up call?

[Matthew Burmeister @HappyMattB]

If I die, tell my kids, I never had them.

[Matthew Burmeister @HappyMattB]

Lorena Hobbit, Osama Pin-Ballin, Bing Cosby, Bill Crosby, and Hannibal Lecture #LamerCriminals @midnight

[Matthew Burmeister @HappyMattB]

TODAY IS THE DAY! *sleeps until tomorrow

[Matthew Burmeister @HappyMattB]

I get sad weekly, like a direct deposit of depression to the bank account of my soul.

[Matthew Burmeister @HappyMattB]

Hey, my computer died. Slow down with your hashtags and linking outside sources.

[Matthew Burmeister @HappyMattB]

I wake up every day, because I have terrible luck

[Matthew Burmeister @HappyMattB]

I need to take a long, hard look in the mirror... DONE, GORGEOUS!

[Matthew Burmeister @HappyMattB]

Putting on 10 lbs so I can have a new years resolution that doesn't involve cigarettes or drinking.

[Matthew Burmeister @HappyMattB]

Do cats eat cereal? I'm NOT asking because that is all I have to eat. I could eat the cat.

[Matthew Burmeister @HappyMattB]

I don't gamble with money, just shame and self-esteem.