Hopeless Walrus

Birthed from a volcano with Danny DeVito, all of the world's rainbows, and a really big lampshade.

[Hopeless Walrus @HoplessWalrus]

The fact that I misspelled hopeless in my @ name shows how truly hopeless I am.

[Hopeless Walrus @HoplessWalrus]

I refuse to sneeze when no one is around to bless me because I don't want an unholy snot coming out of my nose.

[Hopeless Walrus @HoplessWalrus]

@Pleasuretoast_T Wow, nicest thing I ever did here.

[Hopeless Walrus @HoplessWalrus]

@Pleasuretoast_T Lost them... Had them one sec, then poof. Hopless

[eric curtin @dubstep4dads]

[my tweet gets 16 likes]
wow 😳😳 since this is blowing up, check out my gofundme project raising money to tape a bunch of squirrels together

[chuuch @ch000ch]

unless you recommend it as a life hack i will assume your tip of advice is shit

[mike ginn @shutupmikeginn]

You, a creep: Googling “big-titty bitches”
Me, male feminist (hero): Googling “beautiful woman”

[Tommytoughstuff @Tommytoughstuff]

Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.

[A bear @A_single_bear]

I am not a bear.
.
.
.
.
.
#aprilfoolsday

[chuuch @ch000ch]

i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time

[Hopeless Walrus @HoplessWalrus]

WHAT IN FLIRTATION

[Hopeless Walrus @HoplessWalrus]

Rip to my cousin @WhaleTilikum you will forever be swimming in our hearts.❤

[James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn @XplodingUnicorn]

Me: What happened at the first Thanksgiving?

4-year-old: The Indians and pilgrims got together.

Me: To do what?

4: Go shopping for deals.

[Hopeless Walrus @HoplessWalrus]

Are you today's date?
Because you're 10/2018

[James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn @XplodingUnicorn]

Summer Olympics: running swimming

Winter Olympics: skiing curling

Fall Olympics: pumpkin spice latte chugging, ironic sweater vest contest

[chuuch @ch000ch]

when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out

[mike ginn @shutupmikeginn]

Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, "someday I'll own a window this nice."

[Floyd @dafloydsta]

INTERVIEWER: Okay, do you have any questions for me?

ME: Did you know boobytrap spelled backwards is partyboob?

INTERVIEWER: holy shit

[Hopeless Walrus @HoplessWalrus]

Because of Pokémon Go: People feel it's acceptable to trespass, but only if it looks like you're trying to take a picture of the lawn

[Floyd @dafloydsta]

[first day as a chef]
WAITER: People are saying the food tastes weird
ME: Maybe I shouldn't have used so many bees
WAITER: What?
ME: What?