Iris Holland

Before you comment on grammar and spelling, please know that I speak english-ish.

[Iris Holland @IrisScanning]

Some of you need to learn about punctuation

[Iris Holland @IrisScanning]

Sure I'll help you out. Where did you come in from?

[Iris Holland @IrisScanning]

You know what's awesome? Not much.

[Iris Holland @IrisScanning]

Hey, people wearing camouflage. I can see you. It's not working.

[Iris Holland @IrisScanning]

ghost reading

: when someone tells you all about a book they have read

[Iris Holland @IrisScanning]

Note to self: You should have just remebered this, moron.

[Iris Holland @IrisScanning]

In this neighborhood we show our ass kicking shoes. Stay out or be out.

[Iris Holland @IrisScanning]

I can't seem to get the hang of covering my PIN because I get robbed two bucks every time.

[Iris Holland @IrisScanning]

No, Internet. Life is a good thing and I don't want to hack it. Let's see some death hacks instead because I don't like the sound of that.

[AmberTozer @AmberTozer]

When you're about to tell them that last night was fun but you don't want a relationship right now

[Iris Holland @IrisScanning]

Well this looks exciting.

[Iris Holland @IrisScanning]

You make the call. I'm just not that fussy about what kind of bread goes under my cheese.

[Iris Holland @IrisScanning]

SPOILER ALERT

The Revenant is pretty much when Leo is incapacitated in Wolf of Wall Street except it's a bear and not quaaludes.

[Iris Holland @IrisScanning]

And as you read this tweet your eye lids are becoming heavier. You're decending into state of complete... relaxation…

Not working, huh?

[Iris Holland @IrisScanning]

*panics and sets phone to fight mode*

*737 turns into F16*

[Iris Holland @IrisScanning]

Your focused meditation sounds great but have you heard of naps? I think they will blow your mind!

[Iris Holland @IrisScanning]

Just so you know, eye contact doesn't mean poking and they get all defensive about it.

[Iris Holland @IrisScanning]

Me: I have three things to do but only time for one.
Brain: Do no things.
Me: (sighing with obviously feigned reluctancy) OK then...

[Iris Holland @IrisScanning]

[on the phone with customer services]

So what would the fee for shipping only be? I'm planning to do all the handling myself.

[Iris Holland @IrisScanning]

I'd kinda like to bring back prohibition for just one weekend just to see what happens to Twitter.