Jess Carpenter

Author, wife, & mom | My life on Instagram @jesscarpenterwrites | Read my books! 📖❤️⬇️

[Jess Carpenter @JessCarpWrites]

4yo: What’s that?

Me: Mommy’s new book!

4yo: 😢 but I want a book too!

*one year later*

[Jess Carpenter @JessCarpWrites]

@JetBlue After 14 hours of going back and forth with 8 separate employees today, no thanks. But make sure to review Miss Wendy (who shouted her employee number that we didn’t even ask for…30573 btw) bc she was an absolute mess and embarrassing for your company

[Jess Carpenter @JessCarpWrites]

@JetBlue would rather walk over hot coals than fly with you again. Stranding 7 people for an international trip and then claiming a flight four days later is “acceptable alternative transportation” is wild. the literal worst customer service agents I’ve ever experienced 🫩

[Jess Carpenter @JessCarpWrites]

When is Black Friday hitting @Redfin

[Jess Carpenter @JessCarpWrites]

Pacifier? No.

Random plastic turtle leg? Yes.

[Jess Carpenter @JessCarpWrites]

Me: please don’t climb up pantry shelves to get cookies

5yo: I didn’t climb, I used a chair

Me:

5yo:

Me: okay well STILL

[Jess Carpenter @JessCarpWrites]

My toxic trait is picking out all the good items in ice cream for myself and then getting my kids hyped for “vanilla” ice cream.

[Jess Carpenter @JessCarpWrites]

Nothing like a beautiful, relaxing yoga class with the blaring sound of your toddler playing Mario on the Nintendo switch in the background.

[Jess Carpenter @JessCarpWrites]

Me: *sees the price of groceries*

Also me: *calls my mother in law to ask if we can spend spring break at her house*

[Jess Carpenter @JessCarpWrites]

My husband thinks the “readers digest version” means that I want the super in depth version with every single detail and I don’t have the heart to tell him it’s quite the opposite

[Jess Carpenter @JessCarpWrites]

Real parenting milestones:

- the first blowout diaper
- first time your kid says I hate you
- first time your kid throws up
- when your kid wipes themselves
- when your kid buckles themselves in
- when they can get their own snacks

[Jess Carpenter @JessCarpWrites]

I love how people make weather a competition. I’ll be like “it’s cold” and someone will be like “COLD? I EAT DRY ICE FOR BREAKFAST. CALL ME WHEN YOU’RE ACTUALLY COLD”

[Jess Carpenter @JessCarpWrites]

3yo: My tummy is rowling for donuts

Me: It’s growling? Do you want a granola bar?

3yo: No. It only rowls for donuts

[Jess Carpenter @JessCarpWrites]

5yo: *sniffing baby’s head* But why does he smell soooo good? He doesn’t even take baths

[Jess Carpenter @JessCarpWrites]

Hit my New Year’s resolution early this year and lost 7 pounds 3 ounces yesterday💙

[Jess Carpenter @JessCarpWrites]

5yo: I’m so excited to go back to school tomorrow! I’m going to hug EVERYONE!

Me: 🥴 Yeah uh actually let’s refrain from doing that, please

[Jess Carpenter @JessCarpWrites]

5yo: Will you draw a barn for me?

Me: *draws barn*

5yo: That’s wrong. It doesn’t look like a barn

Me: There are no mistakes in art

5yo: Yes, there is. *points to my barn*

[Jess Carpenter @JessCarpWrites]

*whenever I call anyone right now*

Then: ARE YOU IN LABOR?

Me: 😐 uh nope just calling to check in

[Jess Carpenter @JessCarpWrites]

Texas is fun because in the span of 12 hours you get to turn on both your A/C and your heater

[Jess Carpenter @JessCarpWrites]

The only gaslighting I support is parents turning on the fake New Years countdowns for kids that Netflix so kindly provides

[Jess Carpenter @JessCarpWrites]

Me: What will you do when the baby cries?

3yo: Uh I’ll drop him?

Me: 😳 No