Artificial Parent

Doing my best attempt at marriage, parenting, and humor.

[Artificial Parent @artificialparnt]

No one is more determined than a woman rearranging furniture by herself.

[Artificial Parent @artificialparnt]

Someone needs to hear this. We had motorized bikes when we were kids, too. We called them mopeds. We had to have a permit, wear a helmet, carry insurance, follow traffic laws, and an orange flag.

[Artificial Parent @artificialparnt]

The 7 wonders of the world includes not being able to locate the message notification on Facebook messager.

[Artificial Parent @artificialparnt]

People no longer talk about that encyclopedia set you begged your parents to buy you when the salesman stopped by. As if it never happened.

[Artificial Parent @artificialparnt]

I’m a real estate mogul.

A bird moved into my birdhouse.

[Artificial Parent @artificialparnt]

@realDailyWire @dailywireplus Please tell us what the drones are about 😬

[Artificial Parent @artificialparnt]

Hey insurance companies- here’s an idea. Let’s stop paying athletes millions of dollars in endorsements, millions in naming rights of arenas, and millions in advertising and start covering the everyday people that have paid years into policies! This is nonsense!

[Artificial Parent @artificialparnt]

People that decorate the front of their cars for Christmas, your rizz has not gone unnoticed.

Congratulations

[Artificial Parent @artificialparnt]

@dadopotamus 🙌

[Artificial Parent @artificialparnt]

PSA: no, internet strangers don’t want to pick YOUR wedding dress. Stop it.

[Artificial Parent @artificialparnt]

I am a strong, powerful, and confident woman. Unless there is a bee close to me.

[Artificial Parent @artificialparnt]

If tuna is the chicken of the sea, then oysters are the toenail of the ocean.

[Artificial Parent @artificialparnt]

Spent my teens and 20s applying copious amounts of compact powder on my face to take away the shine to only arrive to my 40s wanting all the glowing and dewy skin I can get.

[Artificial Parent @artificialparnt]

People who customize their license plates with the make and model of their vehicles, thank you. I didn’t know what kind of vehicle it was by looking at the front, sides, and rear.

[Artificial Parent @artificialparnt]

One of the worst parts of being an empty-nester… I can no longer blame the kids for eating donuts on Saturday morning.

[Simon Holland @simoncholland]

I hope my friends don’t find out I own a coat.

-Teenagers

[Artificial Parent @artificialparnt]

The year is 2023. You’re on a walk in your neighborhood when you see some kids on the corner selling something and they yell, “caramel apples for sale - $5 and we take Venmo and Apple Pay!”

[Raw Motherhood @MetteAngerhofer]

If you give a kid a snack, you feed him for 15 min. If you teach a kid to get his own snack, he'll empty the pantry in a single day.

[Artificial Parent @artificialparnt]

I had the brilliant idea of getting @ChickfilA at 9pm and apparently 299 other people did as well.

[Artificial Parent @artificialparnt]

When two consenting adults come together and decide to eat ice cream for dinner, it’s magical.

[Artificial Parent @artificialparnt]

Dang, my ankle hurts!

*remembers a frozen pack of chicken falling out of the freezer earlier that morning striking ankle