Jordan Thewlis

@theonion contributor // stand-up // i live in my head

[Jordan Thewlis @Jordan_Thewlis]

Just wanted to remind everyone about the camel, the lumpy desert horse who’s never thirsty

[Jordan Thewlis @Jordan_Thewlis]

@naomiprobinson @Tubi For real tho what is going on

[Jordan Thewlis @Jordan_Thewlis]

@UpdateNews724 These are people getting their belongings out of their homes you twats. They’re doing it in plain view of camera people and LAFD

[Pessimistic Persimmon @Kenneth33071904]

This reminds me of the time climate protestors made me late for work.

[Jordan Thewlis @Jordan_Thewlis]

Loud bars should have those helicopter headset things available for people who want to chat with their friends

[Jordan Thewlis @Jordan_Thewlis]

@GreatDebates69 Nemo is the most famous fish in the world

[Jordan Thewlis @Jordan_Thewlis]

@philbendersimon Am I right or am I right folks

[Jordan Thewlis @Jordan_Thewlis]

If you’re old and you can’t do funny voices, what are you doing. You’ve had so much time to practice funny voices

[Jordan Thewlis @Jordan_Thewlis]

It’s called EEE because that’s the sound mosquitos make by your ear

[Al Jazeera English @AJEnglish]

The US has recorded this year’s first death from a rare mosquito-borne virus known as “Triple E” amid 5 reported cases.

Here's what you need to know about the virus https://t.co/2oNjgEAFXU

[Jordan Thewlis @Jordan_Thewlis]

@Lebapino Me too

[Jordan Thewlis @Jordan_Thewlis]

woman: we’re platonic friends, i’m not into him at all sexually

plato: (overhearing) what the fuck

[Jordan Thewlis @Jordan_Thewlis]

@RyanGoodcase hahahahaha

[Jordan Thewlis @Jordan_Thewlis]

@areacomedian cool!

[Jordan Thewlis @Jordan_Thewlis]

@GraceGFreud lol

[Jordan Thewlis @Jordan_Thewlis]

@jonalcabes a rare bipartisan take from Jon ACABes 🫱🏼‍🫲🏾

[Jordan Thewlis @Jordan_Thewlis]

@whoiskevinflynn bye bye baba

[Jordan Thewlis @Jordan_Thewlis]

if i had to eat one of the 7 dwarves, i’d probably pick Delicious

[Jordan Thewlis @Jordan_Thewlis]

@areacomedian do you use the rest of the onion? if not then why not just cut off a piece and cut that one up

[Jordan Thewlis @Jordan_Thewlis]

stop signs should be called “go in order” signs. imagine if you actually had to fully stop? that would be ridiculous

[Jordan Thewlis @Jordan_Thewlis]

I always thought I didn’t like dancing but now as an adult I realize that I just didn’t like grinding at my middle school while all my friends watched

[Jordan Thewlis @Jordan_Thewlis]

@izaynab hell ya!!