Jordan H

For Cereal.

[lil jon lovitz(?) @liljonlovitz]

WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can't be heated before it's heated. don't give me that look

[steve suckington @SteveSuckington]

[on Family Feud]

Me: fuck u grandpa I hate u

Steve Harvey: umm that's not really how it works

[Good Kyle @KyleMcDowell86]

[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK

[brent @murrman5]

"when people say different color bell peppers taste different"
[doctor nodding] I meant anything bothering you physically

[anthony @butterwolf]

Your first instinct is to call someone who spells their name Gregg "Gregg with two Gs." But it has three. Little bit a Gregg trivia for ya.

[Kalvin @KalvinMacleod]

We need a better word for zero

How about love since it takes everything and leaves nothing

Hank, you ok?

– the inventors of tennis

[Fred Delicious 🍆 @Fred_Delicious]

"Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho"

[Alex Nichols @Lowenaffchen]

*affixes a second leash to a hot babes dog while shes tying her shoe* would you look at that. we have the exact same dog. this is incredible

[moody monday @mdob11]

"Cheer up", I say, curing someone of depression.

[eric curtin @dubstep4dads]

[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that's ok. We're all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye

[Michael Raphone, Sr. @michael_raphone]

[Pitching coach calls the bullpen] I don't care what the people want, send in the belly-itcher

[daily zen @dailyzen]

Effect of Meditating 1-2 Times A Day for a Year http://t.co/rXnV07edIp

[mike ginn @shutupmikeginn]

If you bump into someone you havent seen in 7 years, every cell has been replaced and they're someone new entirely. You don't have to say hi

[David Hughes @david8hughes]

[shipwreck diary]
Day 5: I haven't had sex in over 6 months

[Iain MacIntyre @imacSportsnet]

No truth to rumours Torts was seen sprinting towards Flames' dressing room.