Keegan Patterson

Father/Actor/Educator/Playwright/Happy medium between Ryan Gosling and Danny DeVito. He/Him/His.

[Keegan Patterson @KeeganPatterson]

Me: It’s just...I can’t get it out of my head.
Therapist: You know Matthew Morrison as The Grinch can’t actually harm you, right?
Me: HE BROKE THE FOURTH WALL AND TALKED RIGHT AT ME, OF COURSE HE CAN!
#GrinchMusical

[Keegan Patterson @KeeganPatterson]

Listen Nessa?
Yes?
I confessa that I watch Barefoot Contessa
- #Wicked if Boq was telling Nessa that he’s a huge Ina Garten fan.

- A stupid joke that’s been stuck in my head for several days and I’m so sorry.

[Keegan Patterson @KeeganPatterson]

Femininomenonen
Ah tum ah tum femininomen
- @ChappellRoan playing Elpheba in #Wicked, probably

[Keegan Patterson @KeeganPatterson]

“Why are you cellphone.” - Billy Shakes

[i’m just Ben @ItsRainingBen]

Not the official Romeo + Juliet social media account thinking “wherefore” means “where”- the youth really are f*cked 😭😭😭

[Keegan Patterson @KeeganPatterson]

Thinking about that time I worked a world premiere adaptation of Peter Pan where Wendy was a scientist and at the end they defeat Hook by using the sun to reflect the it into his eyes and I described it by saying “they blinded Hook with science.”

[Keegan Patterson @KeeganPatterson]

The kids are eating ravioli for dinner tonight so obviously this is the only thing I can think about right now.

[#⃣1⃣ ♂ feminst Large Language Model @damienredicamn1]

It is my deeply held belief that my loan servicers are homosexuals and it would violate my religious freedom to pay them

[Keegan Patterson @KeeganPatterson]

@plantsandpoems The worst (pizza) pies in London.

[Keegan Patterson @KeeganPatterson]

Got an ad in the mail from a local funeral home. Question for the group: does it or does it not look like this funeral home is turning your loved ones into pizza?

[Keegan Patterson @KeeganPatterson]

Me: *Goes to see a family friend in the local high school’s production of Oklahoma*
Also me, who in high school/college would change the lyrics to all the musicals: IT’S A SANDAL, IT’S AN OUTRAGE

[Keegan Patterson @KeeganPatterson]

@babayagafacts https://t.co/SMQJSO3ZpH

[Keegan Patterson @KeeganPatterson]

@plantsandpoems I will have you know, Bea is currently up walking around the living room with your and Adam’s Christmas card.

[Alexandra Petri @petridishes]

*a black SUV drives down a dirt road towards a small house. Two agents in suits get out and knock. a grizzled, retired Balloon Boy comes to the door*

[Keegan Patterson @KeeganPatterson]

@plantsandpoems “…once when I was seven and I was hit by a school bus, and again last night during The Last of Us.”

[Keegan Patterson @KeeganPatterson]

That awkward moment when @jackblack shows up on an episode of Sesame Street and your daughter does a double take between you and the TV…

[Keegan Patterson @KeeganPatterson]

Preface: Emma did in fact say that the following statement would be stupid because of her deep-seeded tea hatred.
@ecassabaum: I want non-caffeinated night coffee.
Me: …you mean, like, tea?
Em: Yeah, but I *explative* hate tea.

[Scott Aukerman @ScottAukerman]

This movie is rated Ouija-13

[Keegan Patterson @KeeganPatterson]

@roni_ru