The Joker

I sometimes wonder what name my dog has given me.

[The Joker @KillingJoke]

I'm going to wash my car for the first time in 6 months.

I'm a bit nervous about finding out what colour it really is.

[The Joker @KillingJoke]

Demanding single man looking for woman who isn't.

[The Joker @KillingJoke]

"Why do you drink Coca-Cola while we make mad, passionate love?"

"So that I don't fall asleep."

[The Joker @KillingJoke]

"Are you watching porn?"

"No Dad"

"So why the hell am I paying for internet?"

"But Dad..."

"Shut the fuck up and press enter you pussy."

[The Joker @KillingJoke]

"Level of German?"

"DU."

...

...

"You don't know a word of German, do you?"

"DU HAST."

"NEXT."

"DU HAST MITCH."

[The Joker @KillingJoke]

That uncomfortable moment when you realise that that sexy girl you haven't seen in years has obviously eaten a clone of herself.

[The Joker @KillingJoke]

"I can't believe you're so young and attractive and you haven't got a boyfriend."

"Please sir, leave the widow of the deceased alone."

[The Joker @KillingJoke]

"How am I, Doctor?"

"Don't worry. I'm one of the best cardiologists. Give me that thing."

"The stethoscope?"

"Yes, whatever it's called."

[The Joker @KillingJoke]

"Son, what do you want to be when you grow up?"

"I want to make people laugh."

"You want to be a comedian or a clown?"

"A politician."

[The Joker @KillingJoke]

This new boyfriend of yours is going to cause you a lot of pain and suffering.

He’s good to me Dad.

Maybe, but I’ve seen him in the toilet

[The Joker @KillingJoke]

1986:
I hope my daughter remains virgin until her wedding day.

2014:
I hope my daughter remains virgin until her first communion.

[The Joker @KillingJoke]

My ex-girlfriend dumped me because she said I kept making stupid comparisons.

I felt like a piece of pizza in radiotherapy.

[The Joker @KillingJoke]

"My wife told me I was a geek and that she needed more space."

"So what did you do?"

"I bought her a brand new 3TB disk drive."

[David Hughes @david8hughes]

How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist's knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That's good.

[Tanya Johnston @tjinscot]

Probably, one day, the actor who plays DiCaprio will get an Oscar.

[The Joker @KillingJoke]

"I saw your wife, Lucy, yesterday."

"Her name is Suzi, short for Susanne."

"Oh God! And I called her Lucy all night long."

"WHAT?"

"Eh?"

[The Joker @KillingJoke]

"Jack, I'm going to make you the happiest man in the world."

"I'll miss you, Honey."

[The Joker @KillingJoke]

A ToTD trophy is the equivalent of sucking someone's ass in real life to get attention.

It's a shame most ToTD aren't even half decent...