Kristin Pattison

Freedom Ranger/Cat wisperer

[WHY MY CAT IS SAD @MYSADCAT]

My cat is sad because life has given him many, many lemons & he cannot use them to make lemonade because he is a cat.

[Saucy Kensington @Book_Krazy]

My husband thinks I've been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours

[stace_yarr @stace2504]

Does this fat make my dress look big

[Black Cat Bettie @BlackCatBettie]

Actual convo:

Daughter: You know how some women wear underwear that goes up their butt?
My Mom: Yes
Daughter: My mom is one of those women.

[Wayward Son @demon_disguise]

What I Tweet is what I think, and what I reTweet are my fuckin' thoughts in someone else's mind.

[Isabel @isaaaa]

Take a moment to appreciate your pets for never judging you for all the weird, weird shit you do behind closed doors.

[Jake @jakelikesnaps]

Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.

[Jedi Cheesy Grits @JediGigi]

I THOUGHT I WAS OUT OF DORITOS BUT I FOUND 2 IN MY BED AND NOW I BELIEVE IN FAIRYTALE MAGIC

[Kristin Pattison @KristinPattison]

@MrDCarlson im not lol just was watching something on tv where this guy was sharing a hospital room and had very nasty farts lol

[Kristin Pattison @KristinPattison]

That awkward moment when your sharing a hospital room and the old man next to you has uncontrollable flatulance :(

[_Heather! @canbheather]

Does anyone know the cure for morning people?

[truth'n soul is dead @mrtruthandsoul]

According to math, I'm broke

[Ron Sullivan @ChefRonSullivan]

If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it's about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves & becomes an alcoholic

[Ron Sullivan @ChefRonSullivan]

Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes

[Ron Sullivan @ChefRonSullivan]

Ever fill a garbage bag, put your foot on it & stomped the hell out of it so it held 9 x's what it's supposed to? Just explained yoga pants

[nightshifter 🇬🇧 @nightst4lker]

My super power, I can put my foot in my mouth while I have my head up my arse