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MIXTAPES - IG:djlyrikz

[Bob Heller @Bob_Heller]

I think I might take up religion

[Noodles @Dawn_M_]

Someone asked me if I'd found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.

[Little Greenis @DurtMcHurtt]

Omg fuck this abacus.

-inventor of anal beads

[David Hughes @david8hughes]

[drops briefcase & like 15 massive dildos fall out]
Nooooo my lunch

[Rock @TheMichaelRock]

Please stop reading memes on Facebook and trying to pass them off as original tweets.

[James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn @XplodingUnicorn]

I skimmed a book on how to get my kids into a good college.

My baby is almost a year old.

According to this, I'm starting a year too late.

[Bob Vulfov @bobvulfov]

look motherfucker don't say u wish me a bountiful harvest unless u actually mean it

[Little Greenis @DurtMcHurtt]

Top Swedish pickup lines..

1) You should ditch the Sven and get with the ten..

2) That's all I have I shouldn't have started a list.

[shael @5hael]

Once you go black, you can always go back to having coffee with milk, there's really no set in stone rules here.

[ghost mom @radtoria]

"He's the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now."

[keith @tchrquotes]

10 BC guy: You don't have to hunt, grow or even make your own meals?
Me: Or get out of the car, BUT it can take like 7 minutes. SO annoying.

[Dave-O @OldUncleDaveO]

I don't go back to my hometown very often because I've burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.

[BadMummy @WineMummy]

I think I'll do something really fun tonight, like get drunk and cry hysterically.

[Pugnado 🐾🌪 @LuvPug]

Life hack- no matter how long you've worked somewhere, tell a customer you just started so they don't expect anything from you

[Floyd @dafloydsta]

DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.