Zewe

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[Nocarcontext @nocarcontext]

TOYOTA CROWN SPORT RS ❤️❤️

[Okong' Okuna @XivTroy]

The ability to make light the conversations that most of us find sensitive. I once joined a couple who laughed at the prospect of divorce after over 20 years together. Dude said, "Yeah, I don't think I'd ever get married again. Maybe just fool around". Wife said, "me too". You could tell they'd never divorce. Too in love it's become second nature.

[Palmwine Papi @spicedliver]

"She needs to unlock the provider in you" 😂😂😂

[Dominic WALUBENGO @waluwande]

It is an old Roman custom. A convicted man was given time to go home and commit suicide. That way his family could take over his property. If the state executed him, all his property would go to the state.

[Miilato @miiilato]

28 is the first time you're 30,
27 is the last time you're 25,
and 21 is the last time you're 18,
which is weird because 18 is the last time you're 15.

[uke creature🇵🇸🚩 @UkeCreature]

when you slip a little in the shower and you know you died in your original reality but the quantum immortality kicked in so it's chill

[Talisman🔫 @maximpelle]

Limuru sahi ukioga unafanywa youth leader

[octopus/caveman @octopuscaveman]

The smartphone really revolutionized the waiting room. Oh I get 20 minutes to look at my phone? Don’t mind if I do. The only problem is sometimes when I’m looking at my phone at home my home starts to feel like a waiting room and I realize it is and I’m just waiting to die

[𝕭. @BusisiweMotha_]

the tweets:

[Mapholoba @LuthandoFuze]

Your voice note is incomplete without “so yah” at the end.

[watergun @tersseer]

all these mountains to climb will i everest?

[Success.ofsnaps @ThatSuccess_]

Toddlers will just wake up and start jumping around the house.
Can't you take some time to meditate? Think about your life and strategize?

[Ivar The Boneless @roomthinker]

My dad used to tell me the signs of a failed institution is where you have separate toilets / eating areas / other facilities for staff and it has taken me a lifetime to understand what he meant.

[Kolade. @KolaShangOne]

RIP Aunty... the evil you have done in this world is enough...

[𝕭𝖊𝖓𝖓𝖎𝖊✨ @Bennieeexyz]

My dad learned to use WhatsApp status two months ago. Like he posts on his status every single day now like it's his personal broadcast channel. I don't think he fully understands that we can all see it. Last week he posted five times in one day.

Status 1: (photo of his breakfast) Good morning. Eat well today.

Me: (sees it)

Me: (says nothing)

Status 2: (photo of the sky outside his window) God is good. Look at this sky.

Me: (sees it)

Me: (says nothing)

Status 3: (blurry photo of the TV) Good match today. Football is back.

Me: (sees it)

Me: (smiling now)

Status 4: (photo of his dinner) Your mother cooked today. She still has it.

Me: (texts mum) Did you see dad's status?

Mum: Which one? He's been posting since morning.

Me: The one about your cooking.

Mum: (pause)

Mum: He didn't tell me he posted that.

Me: He posted it for everyone.

Mum: (long pause)

Mum: He finished the whole pot.

Status 5: (selfie, slightly too close to the camera, one eye slightly cut off) Good night everyone. Sleep well. Tomorrow is another day. God bless.

Me: (calls dad)

Dad: You saw my status?

Me: All five of them.

Dad: I'm documenting my day.

Me: I can see that.

Dad: Your mother says I post too much.

Me: You posted five times today.

Dad: Five is not too much. Some people post twenty.

Me: Those are teenagers.

Dad: Expression has no age limit.

Me: (pause)

Me: Dad the selfie. You need to hold the phone further away.

Dad: It captures more detail this way.

Me: It captures your pores this way.

Dad: (pause)

Dad: I thought it looked professional.

Me: Further away next time.

Dad: (posts another status while we're on the phone)

Me: Did you just post while I was talking to you.

Dad: The sunset was happening. These things don't wait.

[June 25th @Jasiri_Sierra]

Once again I repeat. It is not your business to defend the government, your primary allegiance is to the nation not the government of the day. Where they are wrong, call them out!

[Lennox Omondi @_lennoxomondi]

Niliquit 9-5 ilikuwa inanilipa 150k/month.
Imenitake two years for my company kunilipa 67k/month na nafanya kazi from 7AM to 11PM every day, na sometimes unapata uko na employees wanakupea the hardest time ever, na kuwafuta kazi ni even more expensive.

Every month uko na bills za kulipa in the millions, end month kila mtu ako happy isipokuwa wewe juu uko na another 30 days kuraise another million. Na imagine all this trouble ndiyo net salary yako ikuwe 50k

Sometimes doh haitoshi unasema wacha ulipe the employees alafu KRA utawatumia yao by 9th, unajaribu kupata loan bank inakataa juu hauna shamba ya security, inafika 15th unapata weird calls, unashika unapata ni KRA, unawaambia utawalipa next Friday, wanakuambia Friday haiwezekani, labda Thursday. Inabidi uongee with one of your clients akulipe mapema, anakusomea akikuambia biz haifanywi hivo but anaitikia eventually.
Next week inafika unalipa KRA, SHA,NSSF, Housing Levy. Unahave some peace kidogo only to realize that next week ni end month na this time uko na deficit kubwa kushinda last month, and the cycle continues.

Kama uko 9-5 na uko sawa, I can’t advise you to quit. Heri ujaribu entrepreneurship in parallel but usiquit job yako. It feels good when you tell people that you quit your job to pursue your dream but you also need to understand that your dream will take time before it starts paying the bills, and it might also die before you eat a shilling from it.

[Anjana🌤️ @anjecture]

cardinal rule of life : never hookup where you vlookup

[Al Mu6rati🇰🇪 @brysonmu6]

Being drunk called by a kamtu you dont rate is so offf,like get your shit together you alcoholic degenerate.