MeilaStone

Bio's make me feel weird

[That Girl @myonlymizztake]

People who don't like chocolate;
Stop fucking with my emotions.

[MeilaStone @MeilaStone]

Ben Carson endorsing Donald Trump is like Ambien endorsing Cyanide.

[𝔱𝔯𝔞𝔰𝔥𝔱𝔞𝔰𝔱𝔦𝔠𝔞 ✨ @trashtastica]

The things you hear in an urgent care waiting room would make you think Twitter came to life.

[MeilaStone @MeilaStone]

Jiggling fat is a little more fun when you imagine a dubstep noise coming out of it.

[squirrel @XanaxSandwich]

Most men over the age of 45 have some degree of erectile dysfunction. Mine? Approximately 93 degrees

[Anita Helmet @AnitaHelmet]

"So hey, I was thinking...Could lactose-intolerant women drink their own breast milk?"

-- Why I'm not invited to parties very often.

[MeilaStone @MeilaStone]

Donald Trump has no political experience. Meanwhile you need 5 years experience for an entry level management level position at Chili's.

[Molly Bee @msmollybee25]

Since smart watches can now read your pulse, there should be a feature that erases your browser history if your heart stops beating...

[MeilaStone @MeilaStone]

I hate it when women say "I want a guy who can handle me." What?!?! You're not a zoo animal. Handle your damn self.

[12 Hour G. @Yankeegiant72]

Immigrant worker tried to call my workplace a "house of horrors" but pronounced it "house of whores". Either way, he's right.

[Art E McFly @SabotagedSmoke]

Judging by my eyebrows I'd say I'm pretty far behind on my evil plan for world domination.

[Molly Bee @msmollybee25]

I think it's safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.

[〰 Just Linda 〰 @LindaInDisguise]

I eat in bed so often now I think I'll replace my comforter with a tablecloth.

[MeilaStone @MeilaStone]

Make Monday More Fun: Unplug the copier at work and put a sign on it that says “Now Voice Activated!” Sit back and watch the magic unfold..

[MeilaStone @MeilaStone]

Somewhere between Jesus dying on the cross and a giant bunny hiding eggs there seems to be a huge gap of information

[MeilaStone @MeilaStone]

Taco Bell doesn't have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might crap your pants

[MeilaStone @MeilaStone]

I wear an eye patch when I download music illegally.