Bastard out of Florida

6:58 are you sure where my spark is

[Bastard out of Florida @Meredvth]

You have all these wild dreams for your life and then one day you’re 40, standing in an elevator at work saying “Well, we made it to Wednesday!” to a stranger.

[Fuckin’ Princess @8WithaTiara]

Menopause is such a fun little season of life
You're exhausted by 2 PM, wide awake at 3 AM, overstimulated by group texts, mysteriously puffier than yesterday, your brain clocks out mid-sentence, and you are one chewing sound away from a felony.
I love that for us

[𝗠𝘂𝗵𝗲𝗲 ♛ @muheediva01]

capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies.

[Robin 🐛 @Undue_Risk]

Oh look at me I’m New York City. I have a cool socialist mayor. My basketball team has perfect vibes and is up 2-0 in the finals. I have the best food and the coolest clubs. I’m the center of the world. Fuck you

[Bastard out of Florida @Meredvth]

My Ghost World shirt did big numbers at the Trader Joe’s

[mensch @signoremosca]

Started drunk smoking again and there are actually zero negative effects on my life because the alcohol forms a protective layer around your lungs a lot of people don’t know this

[Freyy @Freyy_is]

the funniest part of replacing receptionists with AI will be realizing nobody actually documented half the things jessica the front desk person just magically handled every day.

[Bastard out of Florida @Meredvth]

@hell_doe @bromethazine Despite not living there or visiting a single one, I’m delighted by all the little family restaurants and by the diversity of cuisines.

[Bastard out of Florida @Meredvth]

Reading the NYT’s top 100 restaurants and trying to picture @hell_doe in each one.

[Bastard out of Florida @Meredvth]

@hell_doe @bromethazine See, this is the real review we need

[Meg @megannn_lynne]

“playing it by ear” or as i like to call it, “being stabbed by 1000 knives”

[🦢 @ZainabSana2622]

How do I change my organ donor status to “for women only”

[soup🍓 @thrluv]

“male loneliness epidemic” ohhh you mean the male consequence epidemic

[Skurt Vonnegut @ThisLocalHater]

Hey, my boyfriend and I noticed you from across the bar and we were wondering if you have any Dyatlov Pass theories

[c 🍒 @cynthiajpeg]

Chicago Marie Illinois, ima need you to make up your mind on this weather girl

[Bastard out of Florida @Meredvth]

@fmlsux I’d share

[Bastard out of Florida @Meredvth]

Took a complimentary barre class and the instructor said my form was good and asked if I had a background in dance. This is the wine mom equivalent of “the stripper likes me,” isn’t it?

[Bastard out of Florida @Meredvth]

@hell_doe What a shithole

[Emily Waldon @EmilyCWaldon]

The Midwest version of living on the edge is trying to squeeze in a shower before the tornado warnings start.