Malbec 🇦🇷

I want the stupid tweet contests to stop... and world peace

[Malbec 🇦🇷 @MissMalbec]

If you are able to show your Twitter account to your family, you're doing it wrong.

[Marcmywords @Marcmywords2]

Shut your mouth, you're letting all the stupid out.

[Pasta Fazool @chrisdowning]

Setting my Siri to a British accent is the closest I’ll ever come to having a butler.

[The B. @anerdonfire2]

Let's just hold hands and see who betrays the other first.

[яicку @iinkedZombie]

Wife: I can't find anything to wear

Me: not with that attitude you can't

[morecodesthanMI5 @morethanMI5]

Dying is always implied if i tell someone to ‘fuck off’

[CrazyAF⚜️ButCute @CrazyAF_ButCute]

You're making this incredibly difficult by not adoring me.

[Jackson @kerouac741]

Welcome to your 40s, you tweet instead of having sex now.

[🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ🎭 @3sunzzz]

Raising teenagers is like trying to fish a contact lens out of your eye when you're drunk.

[sixfootcandy @sixfootcandy]

Welcome to middle age. All sports are now considered extreme sports.

[DΛVID @_davidlucas_]

People assume your entire character from your tweets, so I'm inspirational now, all about saving your soul and talking to the moon and shit.

[MisoSilly @SeiYoung83]

Celebrating 100 years of fucking off.

[E~ville @E_Ville13]

If Shakespeare was on twitter he would tell thou to stfu.

[Tony @tsm560]

I wish I’d never blocked you so I could have the pleasure of blocking you all over again

[Malbec 🇦🇷 @MissMalbec]

@yonewt I did escape for a while, didn't I? 😋 And it was nice

[Malbec 🇦🇷 @MissMalbec]

People on my running app keep inviting me to join challenges such as "Most Calories Burned". Never a "I Ate ALL the Calories" sort of challenge.

[Marcmywords @Marcmywords2]

I hope that wins the Oscar for Best Screenplay Adapted From A 280 Tweet.

[Marcmywords @Marcmywords2]

The worst part of changing a flat tire in a mall parking lot, the annoying amount of Millennials that want you to move out the way so they can take a selfie.