Naomi with the blue check mark

I'm a mom and a bookworm who's way more charming in print than in person.

[Naomi with the blue check mark @MomesTheWord]

I talk to my librarian like he's my drug dealer.

"You don't have it yet? I need something now; what've you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!"

[Naomi with the blue check mark @MomesTheWord]

Spring has sprung! I love going outside and seeing all the Christmas decorations.

[Naomi with the blue check mark @MomesTheWord]

Why do snowmen wear scarves? Aren’t they supposed to stay cold?

[Naomi with the blue check mark @MomesTheWord]

Grim Reaper calls: “You will die tonight.”

Me: “You could’ve texted.”

[Naomi with the blue check mark @MomesTheWord]

You may say you’re in your 30s, but the amount of spaces after your periods tell me otherwise.

[Naomi with the blue check mark @MomesTheWord]

It’s time to let it go. It’s hard, I know, but you’ll find another favorite bra, I promise.

[Naomi with the blue check mark @MomesTheWord]

To anyone who doesn’t believe in magic, how do you explain epsom salt?

[Naomi with the blue check mark @MomesTheWord]

*Keeps a figgy pudding in purse in case stopped by robbers.*

[Marissa ☀️🌻💛 @michimama75]

In your 40’s, a wristband from the weekend just means your kid had a meet or a tournament of some kind that you somehow had to pay to get into.

[Stap the Mattness @Stap_Jr]

I’d love to know the backstory when there’s three to five little birds chasing a large bird. I suspect some sort of debt has not been paid.

[Annie Hatfield @AnneHatfieldVO]

When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you're really saying is “I'm not going to dust for at least a month.”

[SpacedMom @copymama]

On a scale of one-to-seeing-your-husband-napping, how annoyed are you?

[Naomi with the blue check mark @MomesTheWord]

Does John Lennon make anyone else feel like trash?

What *have* I done this year? NOT ENOUGH.

[Naomi with the blue check mark @MomesTheWord]

Who’s the genius that put the holidays so close together? The pilgrims? Jesus? I need to know where to send my complaint.

[🌜🤷‍♂️ 🤯Dad Moon Rising🤯 🤷‍♂️🌛 @raoulvilla]

me: according to Spotify wrapped, I listened to Sarah McLachlan over 123,000 minutes last year

therapist: interesting, also I think I discovered the source of your depression

[name cannot be blank @toomanycommas3]

Menopause is fun. My 14yo and I are in a race to see who can grow the shittiest mustache.

[Emma Beasley🐝 @JustBeingEmma]

Our car died. May it rust in peace.

[meghan @deloisivete]

Yes, officer, I was going too fast, but to be fair, Carol of the Bells kind of slaps

[Bob Golen @BobGolen]

Liquor store clerk: Do you need help?
Me: Yes but I decided to come here instead.

[Naomi with the blue check mark @MomesTheWord]

Who THE FUCK is in the kitchen with Dinah?

[Naomi with the blue check mark @MomesTheWord]

Scarfing down a meal over the kitchen sink is being a responsible adult.