Sarah Guzzardo

Cartwheeling the fine line between stupid and clever

[Sarah Guzzardo @MsSarahGuzzardo]

What was my favorite “reaction gif” as a child? Oh Timmy no. When I was your age we had to respond in person, immediately, and we had only three choices— tiny violin, slow clap or jerk off motion. That’s it. 3 choices. You made the call and you made it fast.

[Sarah Guzzardo @MsSarahGuzzardo]

@kevinseccia Good advice and one of MANY reasons why the pope would be such a catch. Also this (cars not popes) is the theme of an entire Dresden Dolls song https://t.co/07z2tR36S8

[Sarah Guzzardo @MsSarahGuzzardo]

Thank you to the doctor’s office parking lot for this absolutely unactionable advice

[Brooks Otterlake @i_zzzzzz]

Regulators have given the green light for me and a buddy of mine to merge into one guy

[Sarah Guzzardo @MsSarahGuzzardo]

@dlynch_esq Both on the list but not yet!

[h @ipodmacbook]

doing dishes and had the thought “the sink helps you with water”. such a hauntingly dimwitted sentence to produce that im actually a bit frightened now. there’s no way the brain that produced that thought is capable of making something of my life. time will tell

[Sarah Guzzardo @MsSarahGuzzardo]

May we all be as thankful for the little things as my 4-year old was upon receiving this “Hot Cocoa Train" shirt

Kid: A train!! I love it!
Me: Yeah buddy and do you see what it’s carrying?
Kid: [awestruck] ....Dirt!... [overwhelmed with joy].... and EGGS!!!!!!

[Sarah Guzzardo @MsSarahGuzzardo]

@missmulrooney tbf he looks very unwell his mood may be affected by the liver failure 😞

[Sarah Guzzardo @MsSarahGuzzardo]

@bnacker Don’t worry — I’m a lady picking up the slack for you (4-5x week, easily)

[Sarah Guzzardo @MsSarahGuzzardo]

If this happened to me I would never breathe a word of it to ANYONE. I would burn and bury this secret like a thrice revived horror movie serial killer. I would repress the memory of it so deep I’d forget large swathes of my own childhood and I would be GRATEFUL for the oblivion

[Variety @Variety]

Veteran sportscaster Sage Steele has accused the late Barbara Walters of assaulting her backstage during an appearance on "The View."

"She...looked at me and got close and elbowed me, and it pushed me back into the wall and the trash can." https://t.co/LwLxfi5gvC

[Sarah Guzzardo @MsSarahGuzzardo]

“Liking yachts” is a psyop or prank rich people are playing on us cmon.

They could do literally anything they want and they’re going to… bob up and down all day like lil sunbaked rubber duckies??? Grow up

[Sarah Guzzardo @MsSarahGuzzardo]

@briancgrubb Well I know how I’m filling literally any brief, nanosecond lull in conversation for the next 6 months 🙏

[Sarah Guzzardo @MsSarahGuzzardo]

Obviously exercise is first on this list but gotta admit I did not see “daily habit” #2 coming…. onE SiMpLe LiFe hACK 🤪 https://t.co/V0lxjrPTEE

[Sarah Guzzardo @MsSarahGuzzardo]

@ABrackenPrime DEE DA DAHHH DEE DA DAHHH … DAHDAH! (!it sure was. The minions hum it? Or something? I dunno I figured it out solely from my child’s monotone delivery. All I DO know is am a genius gumshoe, a savant sleuth, a melodic mystery master)

[Sarah Guzzardo @MsSarahGuzzardo]

7 year old wanted to hear a song from “a Minions movie” (there are 5) did not know lyrics, title, melody or where the song occurred. He said it went “duh duh da duh” and I said

“…I don’t know HOW this could be but is it… the Mission Impossible theme?”

Sherlock could never

[Sarah Guzzardo @MsSarahGuzzardo]

@NewMutant Haha I may have overstated my case for the joyful ease of using a Twitter meme format when in fact therapy is overrated and this issue may only be Paul Simon’s particular deal #notallmen #itsbeen50yearsibethesmaturedemotionally

[Sarah Guzzardo @MsSarahGuzzardo]

Men will literally create a timeless hit song out of a chill melody and a instructional list of 50 ways to ghost someone instead of going to therapy

[Sarah Guzzardo @MsSarahGuzzardo]

Spending every minute of the summer beet red and sweating angrily in jeans because I flat out refuse to let the sun win.

Absolutely OWNING the sun daily by allowing myself to become a savory human sous-vide until I emerge, glistening, into autumn’s embrace.

[Sarah Guzzardo @MsSarahGuzzardo]

@WomenScribes Haha yes it’s the least we can do for our indentured AI servants (my youngest tells Lady Siri he loves her QUITE a bit, which is already at least one cinematic cautionary tale)

[Sarah Guzzardo @MsSarahGuzzardo]

Choosing the Male/British voice for Siri in my attempts to create a Jeeves-ian dynamic between us continues to pay INCREDIBLE dividends as when this morning he classed up the joint by solemnly agreeing to play the “Wreck It ‘Rafe’” soundtrack for my kids