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[Darth Erogenous @darth_erogenous]

shooting myself in the head at the exact moment my wife gives birth in order to be reincarnated as my own son, having forgotten that buddhist scripture would require that I did this at the point of conception. i become a cuttlefish

[stars⛓️🗝️ @BigGengarFan04]

She’s using me for my average dick and minimum wage paycheck and undesirable physique

[Humaira @satti_humaira]

Don't let a 10-minute problem consume a 24-hour day. The email was uncomfortable. The train was late. The conversation went poorly. Feel it, deal with it, then allow the rest of your life to remain intact.

[⟲ @unotfbg]

left the gym and an older lady asked if i left any muscles for everyone else

[/ᐠ - ˕ -マ Ⳋ @marcelinyaa]

"3 inches isn't a lot" ok imagine dragons radioactiveeeee radioactiveeeee woahhhh owahhhh

[karen novia d ale @killmyaffairs]

yo con 23 horas d tiempo en pantalla cuando veo a un niño usando una tablet

[defleppardfan94 @lemonade_grrrl]

fool me once why would you do that to me

[spongebobham2billion @spongebobhamtwo]

Using the phrase "I'm willing to bet my life on it" as a way of saying I'm like 60% sure

[ol’ stocky ⛳️ @oldstocky]

2 incomes is better than 1, make sure your girl has two jobs. Stay up kings 🥂

[I eat short people @UnderwearStain]

Farted so hard i got put on every organ transplant waiting list because it fucked all of my body up

[Bammy @ayobamiamisu]

COVID really had me saying “ohh shit my mask” in 2020 like i’m Batman or something

[mika @mikasagrada]

POV: como é a sensação de voltar para o seu lugar depois de fazer a pior apresentação já vista pela humanidade (a pressão acabou):

[Happy Little Clam 🧁 @bleoodh]

i feel terrible when people ask me how i am or what i’m doing. the same thing i do everyday. literally nothing changes about me ever

[100 @yh_me2]

I only socialize for research purposes

[Jovy @chimajovita]

How I stare at random things at 7am instead of getting ready

[xia @xiazfan]

y’all Be over the age of 14 hating on dark chocolate grow Tf up

[y @ysuckme]

please don't stop now, because your life can change at any moment.