Uncle Jeff 🌈

the old man sitting in the corner booth reading a newspaper which, when you pass, causes your child to hug you a little closer

[Uncle Jeff 🌈 @PickleRudd]

Instant pancake mix box: just add water

Me: sounds easy

Oh no, too thick [adds more water]

Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes

[Uncle Jeff 🌈 @PickleRudd]

@Syrup_Tishus Funny Twitter is alive and well over on bluesky

[Uncle Jeff 🌈 @PickleRudd]

@kryzazzy King move really

[tate @50FirstTates]

asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life

[Uncle Jeff 🌈 @PickleRudd]

@GianmarcoSoresi Blue check bad

[Uncle Jeff 🌈 @PickleRudd]

@JasonKPargin Diomedes typical bottom behavior

[Matty @bestestname]

We just need to invent a straw that lasts a little bit longer than 4 seconds but still less than a million years

[Drinkinstein @OswaldOLottakum]

At an orgy

Me, trying to throw my voice: yeah, that's a great idea someone should order a pizza

[C.H.U.D.ney Spears @chudneyspears]

Your a idiot.

[Uncle Jeff 🌈 @PickleRudd]

@JeffMyspace Gotta be someone on True Blood

[Sunshine Jarboly @SunshineJarboly]

*the barista stops me as i walk through the door*
sir, there's a two scarf minimum at this coffee shop

[DJ BBQ @stepheniscowboy]

"Only fans dead squirrel" "Bin Laden shooter concubine" "Iowa"

You bolt awake in the mountains of Carthage. You are not online. It is 217 BC. You are the general Hannibal, and you have changed your mind. The future cannot come to pass. Rome must burn.

[Uncle Jeff 🌈 @PickleRudd]

@kloogans

[Uncle Jeff 🌈 @PickleRudd]

Fun first date idea: put on noise cancelling headphones, plug into each other's music, and desperately search for escape routes

[Uncle Jeff 🌈 @PickleRudd]

@Tanya_Sabrinaaa Hell yeah, two-fer

[Uncle Jeff 🌈 @PickleRudd]

@Tanya_Sabrinaaa Time to learn whether it's Marshall law or martial law

[Uncle Jeff 🌈 @PickleRudd]

@Royotathon Attaboy roy

[Uncle Jeff 🌈 @PickleRudd]

@MissyXMartinez Prince with the print

[Uncle Jeff 🌈 @PickleRudd]

@adamgreattweet Aww Harper 💙

[Uncle Jeff 🌈 @PickleRudd]

@MissyXMartinez