Tim

Very famous writer, director, musician, dancer, actor, star.

[Tim @Playing_Dad]

Sitting at my daughter's pretend restaurant. The service is horrible here and the prices are outrageous.

[Tim @Playing_Dad]

[Walks into kitchen]
Hey, honey, do you know where I left my updog?
"I want a divorce"
Not much, what's up with you?

[Tim @Playing_Dad]

[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*

[Tim @Playing_Dad]

Bruce Wayne: Are you my batrista?
Barista: It's "bar-ista"
BW: That's what I said. "Bat-rista"
B: What can I get you?
BW: A Batppuccino

[Tim @Playing_Dad]

@steak_umm Your payback to us is the friendships we made along the way

[Tim @Playing_Dad]

People get very upset when you don't wear your headphones correctly on the subway

[Tim @Playing_Dad]

@ESPN_BillC My question has been under what scenario would ND have made it in? The games seemed to play out in the optimal way ND needed them to (BYU & Bama blowout losses) so there didn't seem to be a way for ND to stay in no matter what happened.

[Tim @Playing_Dad]

Black Friday is just The Purge with low priced HDTVs

[Tim @Playing_Dad]

@ZackBornstein 🔥🔥🔥

[Tim @Playing_Dad]

@ShawnHatosy Congrats Shawn! Very much deserved!!!

[Tim @Playing_Dad]

@RandBall There's an app called justwatch that does this

[Tim @Playing_Dad]

@JakePlunkett This is truly outstanding 👏👏👏

[Tim @Playing_Dad]

@KevinSussman YAY! Congrats Kevin!

[Tim @Playing_Dad]

I bet they went with an American Pope because of the tariffs

[Tim @Playing_Dad]

This is the best description of how I handle my feelings ever

[Tim @Playing_Dad]

Me logging in to Twitter each morning

[Tim @Playing_Dad]

Sitting at my daughter's pretend restaurant. The service is horrible here and the prices are outrageous.

[Tim @Playing_Dad]

I think we already have the answer to this question

[Tim @Playing_Dad]

@primawesome Congrats Mike!

[Tim @Playing_Dad]

Jesus looks like he is calling for the ball in the post so he can dunk away your sins

[Tim @Playing_Dad]

Flight Attendant: Did you sneak a dog on here?
Me: Absolutely not
FA: OK, because we would have to kick you off if you did

[15 minutes later]
FA (over speaker): Welcome aboard the flight. We will be coming through the cabin shortly with drinks and treats for everyone.
Me: Oh no