Josh Ritter

HandiCapable

[Josh Ritter @Rep_Ritter]

This is dumb, but I freakin love having to wear a mask because it hides my adult acne.

Plus, if I dramatically take it off, there’s a fun Phantom of the Opera moment.

[Josh Ritter @Rep_Ritter]

Broadway shutting down is a bit ridiculous. All they need to do is scrub down the theaters until they SHINE LIKE THE TOP OF THE CHRYSLER BUILDING!!!

[Josh Ritter @Rep_Ritter]

.@RL_Stine u up?

[Josh Ritter @Rep_Ritter]

[Christmas Carolers Show Up]

Them: We wish you a Merry Christmas!

Me: Thank you!

Them: Now bring us some figgy pudding

Me: I don’t know what that is

Them: We won’t go until we get some

Me: Yes? 911? I’m being held hostage. They’re making unreasonable demands. Please hurry!

[Josh Ritter @Rep_Ritter]

If someone dare ask me to prepare Thanksgiving dinner, just know that I'll only be serving turkey Lunchables, and nobody better complain.

[Josh Ritter @Rep_Ritter]

I will forever stand by this statement.

[Lord Abigail @GargoyleGail]

Josh mumbling to himself while studying: “I wish I had SARS so I didn’t have to do this.” @Rep_Ritter is a constant m o o d

[Josh Ritter @Rep_Ritter]

Got a call from @Adele. Pretty neat!

Hello....

[Tonya Harding @thetonyaharding]

How can you tell if a traffic cone is authentic or not?

[Josh Ritter @Rep_Ritter]

One man’s “VETGASM” is everyone else’s “VETVOMIT”

[Josh Ritter @Rep_Ritter]

If I get stuck in the middle of the dance floor when the Cha Cha Slide comes on, it feels like I’m in a war zone trying to dodge a bunch of drunks clapping, jumping, criss-crossing, and cha cha-ing real smooth.

[Josh Ritter @Rep_Ritter]

I still think “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer” was an inside job. The grandchild and grandpa seem far too jovial. They probably did it for the insurance money.

[Josh Ritter @Rep_Ritter]

Well, as I told my coworkers, today is probably the best day to speed on your way home. Every cloud has a silver lining.

[Josh Ritter @Rep_Ritter]

So Mayweather can beat multiple women multiple times, and we're just kinda okay with that, I guess?

[Josh Ritter @Rep_Ritter]

If you ask me how many hours of sleep I got, my answer will either be 4 or 16. There is no in between.

[Josh Ritter @Rep_Ritter]

When newspapers try to stay relevant and pander to millennials...

[Josh Ritter @Rep_Ritter]

Damn MoDOT. Y'all are meme monsters. https://t.co/zoDjtcdXXF

[MoDOT Southwest @MoDOT_Southwest]

Check https://t.co/u9aDbIBKRZ for closures on state-maintained roads. Check with city or county roadworks for details on local closures.

[Josh Ritter @Rep_Ritter]

I shouldn't have to peer review papers that include "idk" in a college English course. My only reaction is wtf?

[Josh Ritter @Rep_Ritter]

"...sorry, can I put you on hold? I'm getting a call from Batman"

Seeing Batman on the caller ID while working at @SFStLouis never gets old

[Josh Ritter @Rep_Ritter]

@MattGuse wow. I did not see that coming!

[Josh Ritter @Rep_Ritter]

@JakeStephenss cool. me 2. but will probably sleep sometime bc I get tired a lot.