The Muse

All of this is false. I always tell the truth.

[Little Greenis @DurtMcHurtt]

When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.

[Carbosly @Carbosly]

I'm at the best part in life: friends are no longer getting engaged/married or having kids & just want to drink to forget their shitty lives

[Matt @mattgallo123]

It's funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.

[Little Greenis @DurtMcHurtt]

50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.

[♥mark magark♥ @markedly]

Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason

[Jon @ArfMeasures]

WIFE: We'd have less arguments if he wasn't so pedantic

THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?

ME: No. It should be fewer arguments

[𝔭𝔭 @athleisure_monk]

[god creating jellyfish]

how bout an evil bag

[The Muse @RummyLauded]

So I guess I live in California now. Weird.

[Caribbean girl in Europe @Priscilla_YEAH]

Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than "he sees how creepy u are, that's why he doesn't want to shake your hand".

[The Muse @RummyLauded]

Diva: noun. Italian for "fat girl with over-inflated ego."

[The Muse @RummyLauded]

I'm not exactly happy.
But I'm definitely not sad.
And right now that's perfectly enough.

[Mariya Alexander @MariyaAlexander]

Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you're drunk enough

[Abe Yospe @Cheeseboy22]

My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it's the lightning that will kill him.

[audrey farnsworth @audipenny]

Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces

[Quack @Quack_Daniel]

Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.

[The Muse @RummyLauded]

@Squizbot ha! That's funny about money. I hope it stops hating you too! (Out of Europe...)

[Molly @Molly_Kats]

Did you just say "go east" instead of "turn right," you pompous little direction shitlord?

[Julie 🤬🎼 @inScytheful]

You compliant, docile little fuck.