Samantha

"What is a horse shoe? What does a horse shoe do? Are there any horse socks? Is anybody listening to me?"

[Samantha @SHeilig954]

When u at da club and it's past your bedtime. @Daddyissues__ https://t.co/rhoLMVGBKb

[The Real Rodney Lacroix @RealRodLacroix]

Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.

Neighbor: Nice. I got-

Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.

[Samantha @SHeilig954]

@Codie_Sanchez Lol

[Amanda Mull @amandamull]

very slightly unnerving after a long weekend to be confronted with all the tabs you left open on your work laptop on friday, when you were a completely different person

[Annie Hamilton @ANNIE_HAM]

a big part of judaism is being taught not to get on a motorcycle

[Marcia Belsky @MarciaBelsky]

“You are beautiful, no matter what they say” thanks … wait, what are they saying?

[Jamie “hubie halloween fan” Carbone @AJamieCarbone]

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Vanessa Carlton driving a piano: no

[gianmarco @GianmarcoSoresi]

I’m like the opposite of Joe Rogan bc I’m pro-vax and nobody listens to my podcast

[Samantha @SHeilig954]

@queensofbravo @LoveAndyC Does this mean Meredith has also slept with Tom?!

[shelby wolstein @ShelbyWolstein]

times are starting to feel precedented

[Chad Opitz @chadopitz]

My brother and I when the doorbell rang if we were left home alone

[Samantha @SHeilig954]

@OnlineAlison When I got mine they asked me if I’d like to come back on another day for my photo

[Sober Sister Casey “Cici” Cooper @soneall89]

Important safety reminder for those going to a corn maze this month

[mosesstorm @MosesStorm]

Would you mind if I grab a photo with you so when you die I can make it about me?

[Samantha @SHeilig954]

@OnlineAlison What happened to The Romy and Michelle merch?

[Samantha @SHeilig954]

If you’re looking for “Ass to Mouth,” look no further than Bloomingdale’s! @caseyrosewilson @MsJuneDiane #BlackMonday #ATM

[Max Silvestri @maxsilvestri]

Favorite White Lotus detail: how little progress Jake Lacy is making on Blink.

[Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien]

I just declined to “accept cookies” if you want to know what kind of mood I’m in today.