Special K

[Special K @ServiceTech_]

I’m not mad all the time, I just have a mean way of being happy.

[Lori @Cornjerker78]

Pizza Roll microwave directions:
When you burn your mouth on one from the edge,
immediately apply ice by eating one from the middle.

[Jetta-Fire 🔥🐦‍🔥 @JetBomb25]

Tell her she’s fucking hot first thing in the morning... we love that shit

[Special K @ServiceTech_]

The key to living a long and prosperous life, is to never open a package and call it “food”

[MiAmo Ⓜ @MaMikeamo]

I'm not socially awkward or socially distant. I'm socially experienced!

[BongwaterSwig @BongwaterSwig]

No one:

Me: I bet Chewbacca just shits where he stands.

[Special K @ServiceTech_]

If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to see me at Walmart.

[Special K @ServiceTech_]

Spirit Airlines jets are the equivalent of having a $500 car that flies

[Mental Masochist @SentientSadist]

I'm gonna talk about myself in the third person. Because the second person sucked and the first person, I wasn't that into.

[Ghostface Kryllah @kryzazzy]

You can’t hurt me, you’re not an Abba song.

[Ghostface Kryllah @kryzazzy]

Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.

[Jetta-Fire 🔥🐦‍🔥 @JetBomb25]

Time spent picking apart my tweets is time wasted not masturbating

[Ghostface Kryllah @kryzazzy]

Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.

[Jetta-Fire 🔥🐦‍🔥 @JetBomb25]

To feel your naked body on mine would be amazing right now

[Ghostface Kryllah @kryzazzy]

Current Mood: Hiding in my office at work wishing my desk was made of chocolate.

[Special K @ServiceTech_]

Will you just shut up, you’re verbally raping me with all that talking

[SlappNuttz @SlappNuttz]

I’m still upset that National Leave Your Kids at Work Day never caught on.

[Breakfast 🍩 ☕️ 🍑 @donutscoffeeme]

Twitter's obsession with buttholes makes me think you're all secretly cats

[paula.vision.pv @thepaulasuzanne]

Hear me out, vanilla ice cream with fruity pebbles mixed in.