lilpisser

I’ve been described as a happy medium between Winston from new girl and Samantha Jones

[Buck @Buck36043Buck]

I hope in the Next Life I’m a Shape or a Color or Something

[Tristin Hopper @TristinHopper]

I was an extremely guilty child, constantly wracked with shame. I'm happy to report that this trait has not translated to my daughter, who just fumbled a large watermelon, watched it explode on the ground, and declared "oh well, it was heavy."

[chode dahl @pushw8]

You’re probably enough for someone

[jamie ▴ @linkkling]

who decided a piano player should be called a Penis

[Natalie Wynn @ContraPoints]

re-reading the Odyssey to prepare for the culture war

[aja‼️ @b1ondeath]

having sex with tom cruise would probably be so scary he would look into your eyes while eating you out and somehow telepathically tell you the exact date and time of your death

[Zach @zjfrank13]

I’m a simple guy. I just want to see Taylor Swift in her wedding dress or proof of death from Mitch McConnell. I don’t ask for much.

[Leo Daube @leodaube]

Me at the British Museum

[lily @lil_mermaid]

i grew up in new england but we went to cape cod not maine and whenever i would hear bar harbor for a long time i thought they were talking about some exotic place "bajaba"

[Nicky💕 @jas_d_barbie]

Adults having breakfast at a friend’s apartment before heading off to work is the biggest lie television ever told anyone.

[grace @poopandpeegrace]

Genius Lyrics is my favorite absolutely unusable website to visit on my mobile phone

[Joshwelt @weltszzn]

I think Apple lying about this storage shit

[Fallon @filthtofilth]

I love saying really disgusting provocative things it's the just the type of girl i am

[The Sensitive Warrior @coffeetime33]

Bruh the crackhead kid from vine is my landlord

[autist @litteralyme0]

I can't believe I'm the same person who used to survive on 1GB data for 30 days

[Seahawks Fan @ChrisFiexen]

Would you rather your girl die or leave you for a Savannah banana

[Daniel 🇲🇩 @ultr4nima]

white men talking about some “i’d die for my family” when u know damn well they’re talking about a murder-suicide

[Vivian @suchnerve]

And yes I do think human connection is the point of life. What about it

[Judith Butler Bible Thumper @philosophysux]

Not now sweetie. Mommy's busy using her intellect to bludgeon her emotions into catatonic submission