Shit My Husband Says

This account is to document some of the ridiculous things my husband says. He's a funny guy.

[Shit My Husband Says @ShitMyHubbySay2]

The hubs said something that got him in trouble. As I'm giving him 'the look', he looks at me and goes "You can't be mad at me! I'M PRETTY!"

[Shit My Husband Says @ShitMyHubbySay2]

Me: Michael?
*hears nothing*
Me: Are you dead?

*Mike finally hears me*

Mike: Yah?!!

[Shit My Husband Says @ShitMyHubbySay2]

"What kind of car does Librarian Barbie drive?"

...

"The book mobile!"

[Shit My Husband Says @ShitMyHubbySay2]

"I thought Chris Rock was a white guy...Oh wait! That's Kid Rock!"

[Shit My Husband Says @ShitMyHubbySay2]

*meows loudly*

"What? You looked at me like a cute cat so I meowed!"

[Shit My Husband Says @ShitMyHubbySay2]

"The song let it go does not refer to farts!"

[Shit My Husband Says @ShitMyHubbySay2]

*Takes whiff of wife* YOU SMELL LIKE CORN!

[Shit My Husband Says @ShitMyHubbySay2]

What would happen if I just covered my body in Rogaine? Would I then be hairy enough to be considered a bear?

[Shit My Husband Says @ShitMyHubbySay2]

I'm growing into my terrible two's! My terrible thirty-two's!

*proceeds to thrash around like the weirdo he is*

[Shit My Husband Says @ShitMyHubbySay2]

"Man of a Thousand Blankets" and "Dark Squirrel" are future plays that the hubs claims he plans to write. Him being the man of a thousand blankets. Dark squirrel? Not sure.

[Shit My Husband Says @ShitMyHubbySay2]

*let's a VERY loud fart rip. Looks at wife*

"HURRY UP AND KISS ME BEFORE IT SMELLS BAD!!"

[Shit My Husband Says @ShitMyHubbySay2]

The hubs, a Food Service Leader at the ever amazing @KwikTrip:

"We have chicken now! I want to be the Colonel Sanders of Kwik Trip."

Also...

"We don't make sense, we make dollars!"

[Shit My Husband Says @ShitMyHubbySay2]

@IAmDarsie We miss you too! It's been way too long. Mike is a hoot!

[Shit My Husband Says @ShitMyHubbySay2]

My husband's father's name is Joe. Instead of calling Sloppy Joe's by their given name, he calls them sloppy dad's.

"Let's have sloppy dad's for dinner!"

[Shit My Husband Says @ShitMyHubbySay2]

*takes deep whiff of wife's hair*
"God! I wish I could just cut your hair off and put it on my nose like a mustache! It's my smell crack!"

[Shit My Husband Says @ShitMyHubbySay2]

"Why is Lady Gaga and General Lopez going to perform on Inauguration Day??"

Yes. You read that correctly 😂

[Shit My Husband Says @ShitMyHubbySay2]

"You know hoars frost? Can we call it slut frost?"

[Shit My Husband Says @ShitMyHubbySay2]

"I want to pet a horse. They're soft, giant babies."

[Shit My Husband Says @ShitMyHubbySay2]

"We should save the clippings of my hair after haircuts and make a carpet out of it. My hair is sooo soft!"

[Shit My Husband Says @ShitMyHubbySay2]

"I'm my Dad's Dad!" ...when trying to say that he was a lot like his father. He meant the phrase 'my dad's son'.