Not Mark Wahlberg

[Not Mark Wahlberg @Shoot_the_mess]

@CursedGuitars Tell me that Lil B is the owner of this guitar

[Not Mark Wahlberg @Shoot_the_mess]

@pattonoswalt I love Fetterman so much

[Not Mark Wahlberg @Shoot_the_mess]

@MikeG4Philly @PHLDems With all of your retweets you’re running as democrat? You’re a covert Republican and people are gonna see right through you

[Not Mark Wahlberg @Shoot_the_mess]

@PHLDems are you really gonna endorse a Trump sympathizer? Y’all hit a new low.

[Josh Machiz @PlayWith_Machiz]

I really don't feel good after eating 2,222 tacos today

[Jillian Brooke @cyberchondria28]

I’m studying to be a therapist and someone asked me what I will do in sessions and I meant to jokingly be like “I’ll patients realize they’re mad at their mother” but I accidentally said “I’ll help patients realize they’re mad at MY mother.”

[Josh Machiz @PlayWith_Machiz]

How come if a 70 year old runs a marathon and says, "age is just a number" everyone is impressed, but if I try to collect Social Security and say the same thing, I get arrested?

[Not Mark Wahlberg @Shoot_the_mess]

The CDC now recommends you drink a whiskey drink, a vodka drink, a lager drink, a cider drink, sing the songs that remind you of the good times, sing the songs that remind you of the better times.
#cdcsays #90s #CDCRecommends

[Laurie Kilmartin @anylaurie16]

Back in the day, I had two bookings for Red Eye. During the first appearance, I did an Ann Coulter joke and because of that, they cancelled the second appearance. But good luck to this little pussy!

[Not Mark Wahlberg @Shoot_the_mess]

@TheCassandraDee We always got AOC

[Megan Goetz @MegGoetzMoney]

I literally cannot tell the difference between toddlers and racoons

[Not Mark Wahlberg @Shoot_the_mess]

Today in a nutshell

[The Iron Sheik @the_ironsheik]

FUCK FUCK FUCK

[The Iron Sheik @the_ironsheik]

FUCK FUCK FUCK

[Not Mark Wahlberg @Shoot_the_mess]

@_mitamu I’m waiting for the punchline lol

[Not Mark Wahlberg @Shoot_the_mess]

@_mitamu I love the mummy ‘99 so much

[Not Mark Wahlberg @Shoot_the_mess]

@Handstandstore Tide stick can go fuck off.

[Megan Goetz @MegGoetzMoney]

When people from improv try standup.

[Not Mark Wahlberg @Shoot_the_mess]

Swipe Right.
#dating #AmIDoingThisRight #nsfw

[Not Mark Wahlberg @Shoot_the_mess]

@PlayWith_Machiz Thought you were making an obscure Beatles joke for a second and I was all for it. I’m also all for this too.

[Josh Machiz @PlayWith_Machiz]

Is it really camping if you can plug your CPAP machine in?

#SleepApnea #CPAP